A few months ago, I signed up for the Designer Mystery Block of the Month Club and now I have two packets of fabric sitting on my sewing table, waiting to be devoured, but I can’t even look at them. You know I am feeling crappy and of no use to anyone when I can’t manage to sew one stupid block a month.
Each day my laundry piles up, if I get the energy to to do a load or two, the done laundry piles up in little folded piles designated by child, on the back of the couch…where they fall off behind the couch or in between couch cushions. Meals, I can’t even think about meal planning without getting extra nauseous, let alone cook. As of today, I am 14 weeks and 3 days. I have never been sick for this long, or at least this sick. I am getting scared because instead of better, I seem to be getting worse. I am not worried so much about health, they say every pregnancy is different, so I guess I am due for one that is 9 months of fatigue and morning sickness. But I hate this, this isn’t me. If my house gets messy, it is not because I cannot clean up. I don’t spend this much time on the computer or watching daytime TV in an attempt to stay up and awake. I do Mommy stuff all day. Now I just. can’t. No matter how much I want to, my body just will not move. I have forgotten what it feels like to be me, and now I am this person stuck in an invisible block of concrete I absolutely detest.
I have this horrible fear that I am going to feel like this for the rest of my life. I am going to end this pregnancy and then go right into post partum and all that fun stuff. another colicky baby who will not let me put them down, and post partum depression, and no clothes that fit. And I still will not be able to cook and clean and sew…and home school. Ohmygosh, the school year is like here and I have no idea what I am doing yet, and I cannot muster the emotional energy to figure it out. Anyone who home schools knows it is not simply picking out books, but you have to be emotionally motivated for it to be successful. When it was time to send in my IHIP, I wrote the school district, and called, and left messages asking them about procedures to put the kids in school, and they have not responded, which does not sit well with me (they have always gotten back to me the next day regarding h/s stuff, I guess to let me know they are watching me). I know, I haven’t been pushy enough because I am not confident in my decision…and I have been so sick… Also, speaking to the other neighborhood kids, apparently our lovely school district has one of the highest teen pregnancy rates and drug problems in the state, especially in the 8th grade which my son will attend. But I am equally not confident I can home school at all this year. I wish I had more time and I wish god would say “do this!”. Part of me thinks that is the silence from the school district-God directing me. But then He has to give me some more energy…
What if I never come out of this? What if I am this useless forever and the world just falls apart because I just couldn’t get up?
Update: I finally heard back from the school district. ‘Bout time.