…in other words, that stupid email. I finally wrote and sent it this morning. I will be dreading checking my email for the rest of the day.
I wonder sometimes if I have an unrealistic expectation of friendship. When I was in college I thought that I would stay in close touch with many of my friends there. In a matter of months I found out that wasn’t going to be the case — that for whatever reason, most of the people I thought were my good friends were not going to be making the effort to maintain our friendship by keeping in touch, whether by letters or phone calls (this was before email was common — you may commence the dinosaur sound effects.) Was it because they didn’t know how to keep a friendship going? Was it because they knew how, but just didn’t feel like keeing it going with me? Either way, the net result is the same — no more friendship.
I do think there are different levels of friendship, each with its own gifts and satisfactions. There are casual, superficial friendships that are tied to a time and place, like the friendships you might have with coworkers or the people next door. These friendships are fine, but you can’t expect too much of them — most will soon wither after you leave the job or move away.
Most, but not all. Some of these friendships will hang on — you’ll stay in touch with people you worked with, going to lunch once in a while, or you’ll visit your old friends when you’re back in the old neighborhood. Sometimes I think of these as “Christmas-card friendships” — there’s no animosity, and you keep these friends current as to major events in your life (births, moves, etc) and get together when you can, but at the same time there’s not a true intimacy. And that’s not bad. These friendships are what they are.
There are other friendships that start off at around the same level — you get together once in a while, maybe even once a month or so, and you feel free to talk about issues of some substance, though you may not be ready to bare your soul to these friends. Maybe you know them from church, or through other friends. Maybe they’re the parents of your childrens’ friends.
And then there are your best friends, your soul mates, those you can truly confide in. What a treasure this kind of friendship is! If you’re married, hopefully your spouse is a friend of this kind. At the same time, there’s still a place in your life for your other close friends (I’m thinking of close friends of the same sex.) Sometimes these friendships can bring you joy for years and years. Sometimes they break up in anger, with pain that seems to be that of a trial-size divorce.
And sometimes they just… wither away. It can happen without anyone’s noticing it at first; one person is just “too busy” to get together or even call. The weekly chat turns into the monthly briefing; the monthly briefing lags to every other month; suddenly one of the friends realizes that an intimate friendship has become nothing more than a Christmas card friendship.
To me, the last scenario is the saddest of all. And that was the subject of the email I had to write. A friend that I had once been quite close to — someone I could share anything with, from the depth of my soul to the topmost froth of my frivolous mind — had been slowly growing more and more distant, more and more “busy;” she had stopped initiating contact; we haven’t seen each other since last May, even though we live just seven miles apart from each other. At first I had chalked it up to her “just being busy again.” But then weeks turned into months, months began to stretch past a year. Messages went unreturned, possibly even unread. Was she just too busy for anybody? or just too busy for me? Had our friendship become a burden, a chore, an imposition? Or was she just no longer interested in being friends?
She finally dropped me an email detailing how terribly busy her life has been (and to be fair, it really has), catching me up to the major events of her life, asking to get together after Easter, hoping that we were still friends.
The difficult email I had to write was my reply, in which it was finally time for me to say, “I don’t know. Are we still friends?”
Some people have told me about friendships where they don’t see someone in five, ten, twenty years but they just start talking again and it’s just like old times! Maybe I’m just not old enough, but I just don’t see that, unless the “old times” friendship was convivial without being particularly intimate. That’s five, ten, twenty years spent without communicating with that person. So much can happen in just five years! How can you catch up on that kind of thing without staying mostly on the surface? Staying on the surface isn’t necessarily a bad thing — it has its pleasures — but it is what it is.
To me, this fits in with the discussion in St Blog’s about marriage. One can take friendships for granted — including the friendship with one’s spouse — and then suddenly wake up and realize that the friendship isn’t what it used to be. It’s devolved, withered. The other face, once so familiar, is suddenly the face of a stranger. And the intentions don’t matter as much as we wish that they did — whether it’s due to indifference, or anger, or distraction, the result is the same: a neglected friendship will sicken and can even die.
To me, friendships are built on little things — on frequent or at least consistent communication, no matter how trivial the topics might seem at the time. That’s the way we learn about each other, and learn to trust each other. Once the friendship is established, it’s imperative to keep it up. Maybe that’s part of the appeal of blogging: for the blogger, it’s Wow! Someone is interested enough in what I have to say to actually show up every day and read my blog! For the reader, it’s Wow! Someone is interested enough in what I think to offer me something to read and a place to comment! Blogwidows and blogwidowers, take note!
So that was the difficult email I had to write: Are we still friends? Is my friendship distasteful or uninteresting or burdensome to you? What kind of friendship do you want to have?
I was thinking all day yesterday about how I was going to say this, mulling over how I could say such a thing clearly yet gently. And then I got one of the most astonishing letters I’ve ever received in my life.
It came in the mail, so it was an actual letter with a stamp. And it was from one of the college friends that I’d once been especially close to, one of the ones I’d hoped would keep in touch but who instead quickly became just a Christmas-card friend.
It was a letter of apology, in which she detailed and apologized for every slight she accused herself of ever having giving me — going all the way back to 1991, stuff I’d never even thought of: I’m sorry I never thanked you for that present you made me. I’m sorry I never kept in touch after I graduated. I’m sorry I didn’t make any effort to come to your wedding.
I am still flabbergasted. I’m not sure how to reply to this letter, but I’m certainly looking forward to writing back. I don’t know if we’ll ever be as close as we once were, but — just like that — it’s that much more likely that perhaps we will.
As I write, I see I have gotten a terse reply to the Difficult Email: I’m pondering what you’ve said. Your comments are fair. An apology.
I have hope for after Easter.
I will leave it to others to spell out how all this is true on the supernatural level as well as on the natural. It’s a lesson I’m learning well this Lent, though not yet well enough to write about it.
Hurdle numer 1: your comments are fair. That is a biggie as opposed to “oh will you get real?”
I’m not a very good friend to most of my acquaintances. Seriously, I’ll be there and help out when I’m needed, dutifully send out Christmas cards, and even e-mail a letter every now and again, but I’m horrible at really keeping in touch. Friendships, especially new friendships, totally overwhelm and exhaust me. And I think a part of it is that my mother drilled the whole idea in my head, that we are never to visit or disturb anyone (with phone calls or plans for outings or whatever). Seriously, I’ve been married going on nine years, and my Mom has been over to visit me like twice, and that was only in the first year! She follows her advice, even when it comes to her daughters!
But aside from that, I find that I’m always struggling with trust and comfort in friendships. This makes keeping and maintaining friendships kind of interesting. I have three friends I speak with regularly, and they’re thousands of miles away. These are the the sort of friends that when in town, will feel comfortable enough around me to make themselves at home, and help themselves to the contents of our refrigerator. Those are the kinds of friends I most appreciate, ’cause you’re past that whole awkard “pleasant” stage. If they’re mad at you, they tell you to your face. You get upset for like two seconds, and move on. That’s such a gift! I have a very hard time achieving this level of closeness with anyone now, and sometimes I even wonder if I even have the time or inclination to work that hard toward that end. I just can’t recreate that level of friendship with just anyone.
I dunno. Maybe that honest e-mail you sent your friend, will open the door to a more mature, comfortable stage in your friendship.
Sorry to ramble. :op
This is one GREAT post, and I’ll be thinking about it a lot before I comment! I sometimes think you are living my life on a different plane somewhere.
Patty said.”…Sometimes I even wonder if I even have the time or inclination to work that hard toward that end. I just can’t recreate that level of friendship with just anyone.”
Your post is how I feel also!!
Heavy on the TIME
This was a great post. Thanks much. You’re brave to have written your friend that email. It did occur to me when I read about your friend distancing herself over the last year that she might have been going through a depression–and not even really be aware of that. People who aren’t feeling well tend to isolate themselves.
I have great difficulty maintaining friendships, because I have great trouble initiating reaching out to others. I will respond and usually rapidly to anyone who reaches out to me, but I have a real hard time taking that first step.
I think that part of it comes from being a military brat until I was 14. One learns that friendships are transient, and most do not survive the moves (of either party). Also, when one is ALWAYS the new kid, from out of town, and the scapegoat of the class, one develops some pretty weird defense mechanisms.
Your post has a lot of food for thought. However, if I was your once-friend who had taken the time and courage to reach out with a letter full of news and closing with a ‘are we still friends’ – I would take the reply you sent (even as diplomatically as your phrased it) to say “No, we are not still friends and it is because you aren’t willing to work on it.” I don’t know if that is what you intend or if she will read it that way. I only know that is how I would read it in like curcumstances. I am like a prickly pear fruit – thorny and seemingly tough skinned, but once you get past the skin, I dissolve into a formless pulp.
Peony,
Count your friends both minor and small, accept them for their faults, and when they make an effort to write, reply,reply,reply. When I got married, most of my “friends” thought it was rather funny; they were happy for me, but they didnt see it as something I would ever do. When they found out I was in RCIA to become Catholic, the majority of them stopped talking to me altogether. I even had some of them that asked me why I “sold out” (I had alot of Wiccan type
“friends” at the time).What remained of my alleged friends,have all fallen by the wayside between us becoming parents and becoming more involved with our church.
I suppose Church would be an excellent place to make new friends,as would be my parish’ own
Knights of Columbus Council -of which I am a proud member- but my wife works on weekends as a cardiac nurse from 7:00 AM-7:00 PM EVERY weekend!
So I get off of work on Friday afternoon, and take care of my two sons all weekend long, except for one Sunday out of the month when I get to attend a KofC business meeting for two hours.Not many chances to mingle!It seems the other guys can always hand their children off to their wives(which I think is kind of inconsiderate) to do things, but if I go to an event, I have to bring my boys with me, and leave early to make nap time.
I’m not complaining mind you, I’d do anything for my wife and children, but for two years this has been the way my weekends go, and sometimes it gets to be soooo hard! I can understand your P.O.V, and I sympathize, but count your blessings too! I’d give anything for a friend to call me or write me just once, but I’m not
holding my breath!
My matron-of-honor could be your emotional twin, Peony!
I’m one of those annoying “20-years-just-like-yesterday” folks. It’s not that I stick to the superficial; rather, I can core-dump the deepest and most private stuff at the drop of a hat (as has been evident at GM).
It’s jim-dandy for me and for others who are built just like me; however, it’s frustrating for people who prefer more consistency.
Actually, in terms of day-to-day communication with peers, I stink. Even with my family, my tendency is to run upstairs to get away or come down to the basement to surf.
I’m not INTERACTING often.
Lynne (my MATRON) sighed that maybe people are more forthcoming in the season of youth–that marriage years make very many people more superficial and time-stingy.
I ought to e-mail her this post and ask her how she’s been feeling recently about the departure of “soulmates” from her life.
peony, it’s weird, i’ve been thinking about the exact same thing for the last few weeks.
i think there is still lots of hope for both of these friends. they both were honest and reached out and so did you. i wish in so many situations that people would’ve just said: “i’m not interested anymore” or actually said they were looking for a good friend. i’m so frustrated with everyone staying on the polite acquaintance level -whether they’re having positive or negative feelings. you can’t build a friendship without getting honest and direct and most people are just too scared to do it. and so we all sit lonely at home wishing we had friends but never really come out saying so.
we have nothing to lose. we’re already lonely and dissatisfied now, so why not alienate a few people if that’s going to bring us closer to some honest relationships?!
That’s true what Dinka says about being more open about how you feel or how things stand whether it’s good or bad. I got an e-mail from someone last year after discussing an unpleasant situation she found herself in, who essentially said that she was glad she had met me and now considered me a good friend or something and signed off with an unusual “fondly,” and I really appreciated that, but I would not first say something so openly myself unless the other person was maybe acknowledging feeling in a horribly abandoned and lonely state, which I was not. I’d think it seemed needy and presumptuous. But I’ve got “issues” and all that.
Thanks for all the great comments, everyone. I am filled with hope for both these friendships, especially the one where I had to write the email.
Patty, I’ve got to say your mom’s comments puzzle me, because if we’re not supposed to “disturb” our friends with invitations, how are we supposed to have any social intercourse at all? IKWYM about being slow to make new friends; I am the same way. It’s true that we’ll never be able to have truly intimate friendships with just anyone, but in my experience, patience at the early stages of friendship is more likely to yield results.
Of course, part of this whole dance is knowing when to take “no” for an answer. When my dh and I first moved to our old neighborhood, we met another couple at our new parish who invited us to a dinner party at their home. We liked the couple very much and liked their friends a lot too. We were very eager to pursue a friendship with this couple, but when I called them to thank them for the invitation and invite them to do something with us, they turned us down cold and flat — “No, no thank you” — with none of those “maybe another time, would the next weekend work for you?” kind of niceties. We took the hint. It was pretty awkward when I met the wife again last year at a mutual acquaintance’s.
Alicia, I know what you mean about the drawbacks of a military brat’s life — that was my life, always the new kid, always having friendships broken up — through my entire childhood.
I think one of the lessons I’ve drawn from that is that the friendship is fed and watered, among other things, by consistency. That’s why we couldn’t hang on to friendships when we were kids — because we didn’t have the opportunity to keep feeding our friendships.
I certainly hope that my friend didn’t take my email to mean, “No, we’re not still friends,” because I also replied to her news, asked after her family, assured her of my prayers, invited her to meet me after Easter, and stated plainly that I was still interested in pursuing a friendship. I think it can only help that if we meet after Easter I’ll have finally gotten this off my chest and will be truthfully able to say, no, I don’t hate you, I’m not angry with you.
Steve, oh I do plan to follow your advice, never doubt that! It is sad when we lose friendships because our basic life orientations have become incompatible, but sometimes it’s inevitable. I lost two high school friends to Wicca.
It’s hard — I think the business of our lives today does try to crowd out the little duties of friendship with our spouses and kids, much less with adults. It’s also easy to put off things like phone calls, notes, etc because they seem to take “so much time” and they are not urgent — like Steven Covey says, they’re important, but not urgent, and so all-too-easy to put off. I am a big believer in the big impact of small actions (although, alas, I don’t always follow through with actually doing it — spirit, flesh, etc) but at one point I was the thinking-of-you postcard queen. That is hard with your wife’s schedule — I hated those 12 hr weekend shifts when I was working as a cardiac nurse. If there’s a guy at your K of C meeting you might be interested in talking to later, would you be able to just give him your card and ask him if he’d be interested in getting together for lunch or something like that? (I am betraying my ignorance of how men socialize, but that’s how they do it here in Washington — they seem to meet for lunch a lot 🙂 )
KTC — I think part of it might be that in youth, you have ready-made places to make friends in school, but as you get older, you tend to not have as many opportunities unless you look for them. You also have more responsibilities clamoring for your time.
Dinka, Davey’s mommy — “what have we got to lose”? My sentiments exactly. This really is one of those situations where if we reach out, we could really clear the air and give the friendship a chance to grow again, or we could really help the other person. Sometimes our kind words do more good than we know, and it takes less time than we think.
Peony wrote:
“Patty, I’ve got to say your mom’s comments puzzle me, because if we’re not supposed to “disturb” our friends with invitations, how are we supposed to have any social intercourse at all?”
Yes, my Mom is a tough cookie. She’s a great Mom, but was always insistent that we not burden anyone. We were never allowed to visit friends–ever. To this day, she doesn’t visit or call anyone–not even her daughters. Yet she is very pleasant and social, and entertains and FEEDS ;o) people who come by all of the time. No formal invites however. It’s even more complicated than this, ’cause my Mom is very old school, and sees things like going out to dinner or to a movie to be frivolous and not necessary. There’s more, but maybe it’s just a cultural thing (about having female friends around your dh, but I’ll spare ya! lol ). I still feel guilt over going out and having fun, if you can believe that! lol Because I’ve had this belief system drilled into my head, I’ve always had trouble initiating friendships, and I’m weird that way. My whole family is this way as well, so I can’t imagine things like big get togethers, family reunions, or even weekly planned outings. When my father was sick and on his death bed, no one of his family came to see him, and his Mom didn’t even come to his funeral, despite their very civil relationship. I haven’t even heard from them since he died. My dad was our only connection to his side of the family. I suppose it’s just something you have to experience. In any case, if it was this way with family, how much more awkward with friends?
In my dealings with people, I usually wonder how much intimacy is too much, how much would be considered bothersome, how my actions or inactions will be regarded, etc. It’s exhausting! Seriously, I have a very good friend who didn’t give up on me (thankfully). She invited me over to tea “whenever [I’d] like.” Well, I figured it was just a pleasant thing for her to say, but that she didn’t really mean it (as this was the sort of attitude to which I was most accustomed), so I never came. A few weeks later she showed up at my door, stating that she was Irish, and an invitation to tea was like an invitation that was open for life. lol Even after that, I still found it difficult to come out of my shell, but once I did, and we both let our hair down, our friendship evolved into that comfortable stage I spoke about. In many ways, I feel closer to her than to my family. She’s the sort of person I’d name as a guardian to my children even. I have attained this level of friendship with only three people, and it took a lot of time, and a lot of patience.
This is why I said that perhaps your honesty will be the catalyst for a move toward a deeper friendship. My friend’s encounter with me at my doorstep, and her labeling me as “the daft one” for my feelings (which hurt a little bit to hear), really set the ball in motion. Let me just say that we can be brutally honest with each other now, so maybe she created a monster! lol