I received a curious piece of mail today. It was addressed to Ms Peony Bumbleroot Moss and family. Now, nobody ever calls me Ms Bumbleroot Moss (Bumbleroot being my maiden name) unless they are writing from an alumni society. But where was the computer printed name? The envelope was handwritten. And where was the return address? And what’s with this “and family” business?
The return address was on the back: the address of a Benedictine monastery I’d never heard of before. Inside was an invitation to a Solemn Profession of Vows: one of the brothers who is making his Profession is a guy I had known in college.
This is just so weird to me. First, I have never personally known anyone in religious life, so I don’t know the etiquette of how to decline the invitation. Should I send a card? an offering? I am shy around priests and religious in general (I’m just weird that way) and especially in situations like this, where I don’t know really know what’s going on or What’s Done.
The other weird thing is that this fellow (let’s call him Minto Bramble) is not just “some guy I knew.” We were dating intensely for a while and it did not end well at all. It was a serious heartbreak for me, made even worse by Minto’s obtuse failure to comprehend that my feelings were hurt, that we weren’t friends, and that I really, really, really never wanted to see him or hear from him again. I was so happy to say good-bye for the last time at graduation.
That was twelve years ago, and I have not seen or heard from him since. So what’s he doing dredging up my address from the Alumni Society? I’m almost scared to write and decline the invitation and promise prayers, because I’m afraid I’ll get on the monastery’s mailing list or something like that.
I am pleased to note that Brother Bramble (who doesn’t seem to be taking a name in religion) is not the first college classmate of mine who’s been called to the religous life. A year or so I opened the diocese newspaper and, right there on the Vocations Week supplement, saw the face of another classmate beaming out from her Carmelite habit. I should definitely get on her mailing list. Maybe I can beg her assistance with my two big intentions.
For anyone who’s interested, Brother Bramble will be making his Solemn Profession on July 11.
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Wow, that is weird. I think I’d be just as unsure of how to proceed. Hmmm…
Send a card indicating your prayers and an offering. If the invitation indicated the names of the other men profession vows, you might mention that you are praying for them as well. You can direct the offering to the monastery directly, as a separate mailing. You could include with the offering to the monastery a note indicating that the gift is in honor of Br. Bramble’s solemn profession and that you would prefer to not be on the monastery mailing list. If the monastery does place you on its mailing list, you can write a note asking to be removed from said list. Perhaps a wait-and-see approach is best though (as to whether you are placed on the mailing list), so as not to give the appearance of sending mixed messages in the offering mailing.
I can tell you that I have sent an offering to a different order, having been to the profession of a dear friend’s vows many years ago. I think I may have received a thank you note (not even certain of that), though I never made it on a mailing list. Just one example that it is not a guarantee.
I continue to pray for you and your family’s needs and intentions.
This is akin to getting a wedding invitation. I would think that he is obliquely telling you that you were right to break off the relationship and letting you know that, after all these years, he is alright. I would suggest sending a nice note declining the invitation and maybe congratulating him on finding his vocation. An offering is strictly up to you, but a small amount would be a blessing, I think.
I feel the need to comment. I,too, think this is VERY strange. The fact that you broke up under difficult circumstances, and that you did not want to remain friends (in fact, it sounded as if he didn’t quite GET how you felt). I think it would be the best NOT to respond to this. If he, for example, sent you an invitation to his wedding after all this time (and in a sense, this is like a wedding) would you go? send a card? NO, NO, NO! You should pray for him, certainly, and just let it go. My guess would be that now that he is about to be a priest, he may feel that he is “safe” now to be friends with, but if you have no intention of having any kind of relationship with him, including the loosest of friendships, I must recommend that you DO NOT RESPOND. He sounds a little off the hinges, and I do not mean that positively.
OK, I will just ask one more question to get you to think:
would you invite HIM to anything of YOURS? and again, your being polite (answering back, sending a card, etc.) may encourage a realtionship you have no intention of having. My best recommendation is to let it go. Ask God to watch over his life, which should carry on down a different road from yours. Peace.
The other weird thing is that this fellow (let’s call him Minto Bramble) is not just “some guy I knew.” We were dating intensely for a while and it did not end well at all. It was a serious heartbreak for me, made even worse by Minto’s obtuse failure to comprehend that my feelings were hurt, that we weren’t friends, and that I really, really, really never wanted to see him or hear from him again. I was so happy to say good-bye for the last time at graduation.
He probably, honestly, has no idea that he really hurt you. Guys are dense like that. (No offense meant to the wonderful men of St. Blogs, but they all I think readily admit that they don’t understand how the female mind works.) He really probaly does think things are fine, I’d say just send a prayer card. It’s so weird how females all seem to understand that after a break-up there’s no way we want to be friends w/ the guy, and yet, they don’t get it and think they can go back to being our friends. ::shrugs::
Us dense guys sometimes have moments of clarity when we realize that we have hurt people. I know I certainly have a few of those uncomfortable memories now, and realize that I was very insensitive. So, maybe it really is a form of seeking an apology. Other than that, I don´t really have a suggestion.
My guess is the invitation is the monk’s way of saying, “Look at us, everything turned out fine for us both, huh?”
In which case, I suppose the proper reply is along the lines of, “Quite.”
So send him a Mass card from the Franciscans.
I think it’s his way of making peace. Obviously the bad end with you has weighed upon him. Before he gives himself totally to the Lord, he needs to tie up loose ends in the world.
From what I’ve heard about seminary and the Diocesan priesthood, this process is crucial. He needed to extend some sort of olive branch to you, and this seems to be his way of doing it.
It would be nice if you could forgive him and send a brief note wishing him well.
I know that you do wish him well. He certainly seems less doltish now than he must have been in college!
That was kind of a sweet touch, the hobbit maiden name and all…
I’ll pray for him.
I’m not exactly the personal relationships expert, let alone etiquette, but I guess I’d try to assume the best and not worry too much about the form of the response unless you actually had some reason to fear for your safety (I didn’t get the impression it was the “stalking” kind of “not getting you didn’t want to be friends,” hope that’s true) or think he would read less than a decidedly cool response as inviting some ongoing relationship between yourself as married woman and him, the ex-boyfriend. He’s probably not supposed to be getting too involved in such “friendships” at this time, anyway, is he? I’m hoping that whatever his personal relationship deficiencies 12 years ago, entering a monastery is a sign that he’s matured and is seeking to do the right thing, perhaps bumblingly, not to send cryptic messages to disturb former female companions.
I guess my first thought was that if he hurt you by breaking up with you (not that I assume the details) it could be a way of saying, “I’m sorry I was a jerk about how I treated you but eventually figured out I wasn’t even called to marriage so no wonder” and trying to apologize/make peace as some others said.
What Mama Owl said!
Just be grateful that Benedictine monks, once they take their permanent vows, are committed to stay with the same monastic community for life. Therefore he’s likely to stay put, far away from you!
Oh, agreeing much with Mama Owl. There are things I did and said while in college – in my doltish years – that I wish to God I could take back. I am not the same person I was then. My hunch is he’s not either, for making a decision to enter the religious life is usually not one made by immature morons.
Assume the best. And then offer YOUR best, based on the virtues of hope and charity. Send a lovely, but brief, note, assuring him of your prayers (I think I’d skip the cash), and then embrace your husband and give thanks to God for blessed endings.