The Mary’s Advocates web page has been updated (scroll down):
The Westlake City Police Officers delivered the message that the divorce judge had just given my husband custody of our four boys because I was continuing to school our sons as they always had been schooled. In January of 2004, the court ordered psychologist decided our method of schooling was not in the boys best interest though millions of children are thriving in the same system. I was warned in January, that the judge would eventually take our children away if I did not agree with their psychologist. I didn’t hear the judges exact words because she told my attorney about this pre judgment, off the record, in a secret meeting in which I was not allowed to be present.
My current attorney is and expert in our education method and has asked for a hearing on the matter. We submitted an affidavit stating I only signed the papers in January, because I was coerced and under duress, but the judge won’t let me have a hearing. Instead, see what happens to a stay-at-home mom, 16 months after being abandoned by her husband, because she doesn’t agree with the court ordered psychologist as to what is in her children’s’ best interest. The local police didn’t have the jurisdiction to forcibly remove our children from home, but my husband may be back again with the County police to do just that.
Don’t miss the picture. That’s dad — our favorite divorce plaintiff — on the left there, in the red shirt.
Thanks to reader Amanda for the heads-up. And a big thanks to all you social geniuses who insisted that divorce was okay for making this possible.
UPDATE: Names in the comments box edited to avoid excessive attention from search engines.
Oh, Lord have mercy! I simply can’t believe this. I am completely scandalized that this is happening to a fellow sister in Christ, and it is a very public member of the faith doing it.
I don’t know what I’d do if a court tried to force me to wean either of my boys early. What a heartbreak to a nursing mother!
Holy Mary, Mother of God, I pray for your intercession for this mother and the family she is trying to protect. Saint Joseph, guard this family, and please pray that this man sees sense and holiness, and stops this insanity. Amen.
This all sounds terrible and tragic beyond words. But I have to say, putting this all over the internet does not set well with me either. It does not seem conducive to reconciliation. Would anyone who loves an erring spouse — and wants to reconcile — also want the whole world to know about his transgressions?
Good question, and hard to answer. But there doesn’t seem much hope of reconciliation here, and court proceedings are public record, and if those proceedings amount to an abuse of power, we need to know about it. Public outrage ought also to be on the record.
The defendant has publicly asked — begged — for reconciliation, both before and after this matter became public, but to no avail.
As Bill points out, this matter only became public because the plaintiff brought it into the divorce court. These “transgressions” are being committed in the name of the people of the state, and on the taxpayer’s dime. The defendant refused to agree to a “no-fault” divorce precisely because she wanted to reconcile; she is bringing her side of the story public to expose the injustice she is encountering. The entire system is telling her, “Just shut up and take it.”
I think some women are reluctant to marry, bear children, and stay home to raise them precisely because they’re afraid of a situation like this. When women set their careers aside for stay-at-home motherhood, they are taking a big risk and making a big act of trust in their husbands. If their husbands violate that trust, the betrayed wives and the children are in a very vulnerable position. At one time society censured husbands who betrayed that trust. Now the wives are told to stop whining and get on with it.
I know for myself that if my husband did something like this to me, I would be screwed. Before we got married, I was doing well enough to have a little place of my own, put some money aside. When we married, I started exposing myself to risk by making my personal assets joint property; when Hambet came along, I really stuck my neck out by leaving up my job (including the important bennies like health insurance and an individual retirement plan.) My nursing license is now inactive, and if I wanted to get a job as a nurse I would probably need to take a refresher course.
This fear is so sunk into women in our society… I was astonished that when I told my own mother I would be staying home with Hambet, she started fretting at me about working a couple of shifts part-time “just in case.” (And she was a SAHM herself.)
And what about husbands? That website isn’t just telling womens’ stories. Why should husbands marry, and sacrifice, and be good guys if wives can force a divorce and treat them as nothing more than ATMS?
Amen Peony.
Could not have said it better myself.
I have a very dear friend who went through much of the same rubbish when her ex husband abandoned her after she had given birth to his 7 child. He had traded her in for another model as they say who he is so in luv with.
No fault divorce has gone from one silly extreme to another. If mine leaves me he get the whole kit and caboodle, 3 kids, one who is badly mentally disabled, 3 cats, a dog and a rabbit and my mum thrown in as well and I will do the walk. That would reallly queer his love nest with all his old baggage as how may sill girls want all the work that goes with step children.
To be honest I am so glad when I see losers like that that I have my DH. He is kind, decent and mostly wonderful except when I don’t like him. And yes Peony momma, I am glad I have always kept my hand in with work
I’m applauding Peony, that’s exactly right!
Also, I think if B@i M@cfarlane hadn’t made this public, B#d would have divorced her, and that would be the end of it. It’s unfortunately that easy now in Ohio. Why should the abandoned spouse have to just take this quietly?
B@i has brought to light that the church according to canon law is supposed to be involved BEFORE the divorce not after. She is also fighting to continue the home education of her children which B#d M@cF@rlane supported.
Maybe she won’t win her husband back (and frankly if he’s this creepy that might be a good thing) but other good might come from this.
Also I might mention she has a book for sale on her web site. I got it. It’s not that expensive and I learned a great deal about how the Catholic Church is supposed to be dealing with marriages on the brink. I think it would help her out financially if bloggers advertised the book and folks bought it.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m on your side — and B@i’s (assuming she’s representing everything truthfully). But I still don’t like the fact that a family’s dirty laundry is out here for everyone to see and discuss. Think about their kids, for instance, who won’t ever be able to Google “M@cF@rlane” without turning up the family scandal. And a book has already been written about it! I can understand a wronged spouse going for maximum publicity if there is truly no hope for reconciliation, but not otherwise.
Jeff,
On the one hand I agree. I think if I were B@i and B#d and I reconciled, I would feel self-conscious that everyone knew our situation, and kind of know the state of our marriage. I am sure much was brewing beneath the surface for awhile and she kept it all to herself.
On the other hand, if I were B@i,and it finally came to all this drama, I would want to get as much support as possible, be it through a million prayers, or just someone to know I am not the crazy one in all this. Something about this situation is so terribly isolating.
I do feel for the kids, but I think the uglier part of all this is not the tool of the Internet, but what is going on in their family. Googling their mother’s side of the story cannot be nearly as bad as being dragged away via police.
I also think B@i is trying to use this to try to help prevent either this from happening to others or to help open up channels be it through the Church or Catholic American community in general to take some awareness and preventetive measures against this sort of thing. When people go through heartbreaks like this, it helps them to try and make something come out of it.
There was article in a recent Crisis about Catholics and divorce. It is not just happening to to non-Catholics. This world is upside down and maybe this issue needs to be addressed some how.
Jeff, the book isn’t a “tell all” about the M@cF@rlane marriage. It gives a history of No Fault Divorce, and canon law and how the author believes these are being used and abused.
There are some anecdotal things but overall,anyone wanting to read the book to find out what the heck happened in this marriage would be sadly disappointed!
What Ell said. This isn’t about the private stuff between the plaintiff and the defendant. This is about how family law gives no protection to a spouse who doesn’t want to divorce, how a spouse who tries to resist is punished by the courts, and how the childrens’ best interests take a back seat to the wishes of the divorcing parent.
Most of the stuff on marysadvocates website is about the general issues too, like no-fault divorce and courts taking custody of the kids, and the Church not getting involved until after a divorce is final. I think the goal is to raise awareness of how no-fault divorce can affect you or someone near you, and also to raise voices to let the current family court system know we don’t like how their laws and rules work right now. I don’t think what is being aired from “the source” (can’t speak to all blogs, etc.) is dirty laundry, but rather how THEY (ie the family court system) are treating US (the whole family involved).
–Amanda
Let’s also keep in mind that Mrs. McF didn’t say a word publicly for the first 10 months after Mr. McF left her. She kept it private until desperation drove her to ask for help from other Catholics.
My brother-in-law is now divorced. My niece is four and she’s in shambles. When she’s with her mom, she doesn’t have her own bedroom or toys. She has to sleep on the sofa in the living room of her mom’s new boyfriend’s apartment. She has to get her toys and clothes out of boxes stored in a closet and put them all away again when it’s time to go to dad’s. That’s no life for a child. But still, the best my brother-in-law could hope for was joint custody. You just can’t stop a no-fault divorce system, no matter what it does to the innocent children.
–Sparki