I’m Gonna Cry

Update: The Superficial has a picture of Optimus up. I don’t know. What’s up with his feet? They look like metal ET feet.
Lots to say over at Angry Zen Master blog on this very pressing subject! Warning: the language is kind of profane.
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It is not looking good for The Transformers movie.
Exhibit A:
Megatron looks really stupid.
I am going have to say the Superficial’s interpretation of how he looks may be vulgar, but quite accurate.
Exhibit B:
The tidbits in this Shia LeBouf interview starting with:

There’s a lot of stuff… you know, there’s new robots that he’ll create. Or he’ll take something like Soundwave and turn it into Soundbyte and it’ll become something else.

I don’t care, set the movie back in the 80s and make it retro. Please don’t do what you did to Megatron to Soundwave. Please…

There are certain things, like Megatron wasn’t a jet, you know?

Yes I know! Any self-respecting, self-claimed, geeky Transformers fan knows Megatron ain’t no dang jet! I read somewhere (can’t find it) that they decided to make him a jet because when the toy comes out they are afraid the gun will influence kids to play with guns or something. I grew up on Transformers, I never shot anybody.
A few years ago, my husband bought a reissued Megatron toy directly from Japan (they didn’t make them here). It took like three months to get here partly because of customs problems because it looks like a real handgun; in a package with a plastic front and cartoon drawings (that is how guns nuts buy guns-from Japan don’t you know). It is so cool. Gosh, I hope he still has it and my mother-in-law’s boyfriend didn’t steal it and sell it for .50 cents for crack money.
But back to the “kids with Gun-Megatron” thing, you know, I don’t even think that whole line of thought deserves any credence. You don’t like warring giant robots for your kids, the stay away from the Transformers. But don’t torture the rest of us by changing Megatron. Characters like Megatron, Galvatron, Shockwave are big shooty things. Thundercracker, Starscream, Skyfire are cool jet guys (although, isn’t Skyfire afraid of heights?). Transformer history was changed when Megatron sucker shot Optimus killing him and initiating the horrible chain of events that gave us Rotimus Prime. (But that is OK because there was not a sweeter moment then when Optimus came back to life, and Rotimus handed the Matrix back). So what, is he going to fly over him in this movie?
“Ooh Optimus, I can fly and you can just drive around!” Wow. Entertaining.
Exhibit C:
I don’t even have to comment on this, the corn is so self-explanatory:

QUINT: You know… I sat down with Bay before shooting and he told me that the whole hook for him with this project wasn’t the robots or the action. He said it was the human story, specifically your story, what he called the All-American story of a kid getting his first car.
SHIA LABEOUF: When I met with him he said the same thing. That’s why I was into it. I mean, yes it was TRANSFORMERS and oh shit! You’re taking me to meet with Michael Bay, but then he was like, “It’s a coming of age story.”

That is what The Transformers was always and we didn’t know it-a coming of age story. I thought it was about giant robots in a war and coming to earth disguised as earth vehicles.

SHIA LABEOUF: Sam is… (pauses). The engine of Sam, for the film, essentially he is the liaison between the robots and the humans. The government is too closed minded to conceive of a reality like this, of alien machines… it’s just too much. So, they bestow power upon these people who are experts at their crafts, whether it be the technician or the Dogs of War, or the braintrust who is able to communicate with the robots.
And the reason Sam is able to communicate with the robots… It’s not because he knows some fuckin’ alien language. Sam Whitwicky comes from a lineage of explorers.

Are you for real?

Captain Archibald Whitwicky was his great, great grandfather, a 19th Century Seaman, who, during a search, an exploration of the arctic circle, fell upon an ice cave. Fell into the ice cave and into a hand; the hand of Megatron. What he saw when he turned was an eye which burned a laser into his eyeglasses, which was a map of where the Energon Cube is being stored.
When Optimus and the Autobots come to Earth, they’re looking for the same thing the Decepticons, obviously. The way that they get there is the map on the glasses. Who has the glasses? Sam has the glasses. So, he becomes the liaison between them and their goal. I’m the middle man.

Exhibit D:

QUINT: There’s also an element of protection, as well. They protect you from the Decepticons.
SHIA LABEOUF: Yeah. Bumblebee becomes my guardian because now that I am the liaison there’s power.

Bumblebee was Spike’s friend! Spike, Spike Spike!!! Why do they need a “Sam”? Why?
Exhibit E:
I can’t read anymore after this point.

It’s like knowing where the next oil well is, for Americans. Now you have this power, everyone’s going to come after you. The Energon Cube is that. Every time I think of this Energon Cube… I know of the Transformers, but when I’m explaining to my mother, that’s how I always explain it. It’s like oil for America. That’s what it is. And there’s a lot of political shit in this. If you’re watching and if you have the imagination, can become a kid again, you’ll understand.
Mike is very political, but he’s also very flag-waving American. That’s why we are able to have army here. There’s army guys here all the time.

Does anyone remember how badly V for Vendetta sucked? Why can we not have a fun giant robot war movie without trying to teach us a political message? Why does everything have to have a liberal, political slant shoved down our throats?
Why can’t Megatron just be a gun and Soundwave be a walkman? I guess Shockwave is out of the picture.
They are going to ruin this movie.