The vocation to marriage and parenthood
Brasilianista Aspirante Katheryn posted about a week ago on marriage and being open to life:
Salon has a thought-provoking article [requires sitting through an ad for a free “day pass” — Peony] by a married woman who has decided not to have children.I think that I would like to marry (if only for the admittedly small chance of financial security, since I am chronically ill and may not be able to consistently support myself with a full-time job). However, I do not want children. Part of this is due to my illness (raising children and employment in the workforce may drain my energy so much that I have neither the time nor the motivation to write the novels that I yearn to write), but also because I suspect that I am too emotionally immature to be a good parent….I think it would be wrong for me to marry in the Orthodox Church, since I do not wish to have children….It would help if some of my married readers… would read Ms. Goldberg’s article and give me some advice.
I wish I could write a really sensitive and well-thought out blog in response to our dear Brasilianista’s post, but I was late reading her original post and I want to get this thing rolling.
First, I wonder how much Katheryn really has in common with the writer of this article. The fact that Katheryn even acknowledges that children are a gift from God, and that being open to life is an essential part of marriage, already puts her in a different league from the author of “To Breed or Not to Breed.” The title of the article, with its sneering reduction of the gift of children to an animalistic impulse, says it all. The author (who is only 27) briefly acknowledges that yes, there are some cool things about parenthood — sharing your joys and interests with your child, family continuity, and stuff like that — but children are so inconvenient –getting in the way of your marriage and career and all that. Parenthood is so stressful! And some scientist thinks there’s a gene that promotes maternal behavior, and not all women have it, so get off our back! (I would be interested to hear whether this woman is still singing this tune in another ten years or so, or if she’s getting shots of Pergonal in the tush.)
I think what Katheryn is doing, though, is discerning her vocation. She discusses three things that seem to mitigate against motherhood: her health, her career aspirations, and her suspicion that she is too “emotionally immature:” Health I can’t speak to, especially since I don’t know the details of what Katheryn’s dealing with. And I simply don’t know how health problems affect one’s freedom to marry in the Catholic Church, much less in the Orthodox Church. Is someone who cannot become a parent — even by adoption — free to marry? I think Katheryn’s being prudent to consider whether it’s realistic for her to take on the pressures of parenthood on top of the stresses of her illness.
And then there are Katheryn’s scholarly and literary aspirations. Every woman has to resolve the ol’ career and child question in her own way, but I would like to suggest that it doesn’t have to be either/or, especially for women who are able to work from home. Pansy and I are all for women being home with their children as long as possible, especially with the littlest ones, but even then there are ways to make it work. Maybe take a few years off when the children are little, but make time to write a couple of hours a day (and, if you have the means, get some household help to conserve your time and energy.) As the children grow, so does your literary output. Many women have started distinguished careers after their children were grown.
And as for “emotional immaturity”, I don’t know how to speak to that; I’ve heard other people and it seems like it means something different to everyone. Does it mean “I have unresolved issues from my childhood that make me afraid to become a parent?” Does it mean, “I really like living for myself and don’t feel like taking on the responsibility for caring for a helpless child?”
Something to consider is the anti-child attitude that seems to pervade our culture — we have to be very aware of how we can soak this up without even knowing it. It comes out in the constant harping on how inconvenient babies and children are — they cry all night, they smell, they get in the way of your sex life, their toys are ugly, and so on. I think our culture is also blowing the difficulty of parenthood way out of proportion, and it’s easy for this to rub off on you. Sure, parenthood’s not an easy job, and it’s good to go in prepared and try to think about what you’re doing and why you’re doing it, but at the same time I don’t think you need to be super-intelligent and perfectly self-actualized to be a good mother. “Am I ready to be a parent?” People could dither about this for years, but there’s never going to be a green light going on in your head saying “okay to have baby now!”
My dear husband is tapping his watch, so let me wrap up. Ultimately this is a question to consider with a lot of prayer and perhaps a chat or two with a trusted priest. If your emotional concerns include big glaring issues from your childhood, you could bring that up for prayer and for spiritual (or psychological) counsel. A chat with your doctor about the prognosis of your illness might also be a good idea. Maybe find some good books on marriage and parenting — Pansy and I like Greg Popcak’s books a lot. Another good book on preparing for marriage is Finding the Love of Your Life by Neil Clark Warren.
Meanwhile, I would do my best to just be around kids, any kids. If you don’t have children it’s easy to forget what they’re like; they become exotic and remote. Keep reading mommy blogs, and do check out Sparki’s if you haven’t seen it. Rachel Watkins over at HMS Blog is a literary mom who also is dealing with a chronic illness. Do check out some of our mommy links, such as Mothering With Grace and Canticle. I began to realize that I was called to marriage and motherhood after reading articles on family life in Caelum et Terra…..
and with that, I’m opening this up for comments….