So what does wifely submission look like? (or, you catch more beer with honey than with vinegar)
In the discussion over at Jeff’s blog, Michelle wonders about how wifely submission works out on a practical scale. Maybe we can toss that around a little bit here.
Perhaps people would be more open to the teaching of hierarchy in the family if they knew that there were actually wives out there trying to live it. As I commented at Jeff’s, I think a lot of people out there — women and men — have deformed ideas about obedience and authority — that obedience is abject servility and authority is arbitrary, absolute power — and that they have to unlearn these old ideas before they can be open to this teaching. Otherwise, you’re going to have a lot of throughly modern Millies tossing their heads — no way are they going to be subject to any man! — because they think submission is servility, that it means not feeling free to spend $2.00 on a latte at the mall, that it’s fetching beer for some cartoon fundamentalist tyrant in a recliner. There are also men out there who jump at the chance to be petty kings in their own home, forgetting that Godly kingship is service, not tyranny. They want to be the Sun King instead of St Louis.
Our marriage prep classes (conducted in the Archdiocese of Washington) actually did (briefly) touch on this teaching. One of the presentations was a “video presentation” — part of a taped lecture by Dr. Scott Hahn on the chapter on Ephesians. In the lecture, Dr Hahn clearly discussed wifely obedience, and made it clear that this was not some first-century relic — that it was a model of the Church’s obedience to Christ. And he did not forget St Paul’s instructions to husbands: You are to love your wives as Christ loved the Church. That means you have to lay down your life for her. (I noticed that my fiance seemed to be a much more attentive during this part of the presentation.)
in practice, I think the headship of the husband is going to look slightly different for each family, based on the different talents and personalities of the spouses. In our own family, the first time I consciously thought, “ok, time to do that wifely submission thing” was when we were engaged and deciding where our first home was going to be. In the D.C. metro area, there is a cultural divide between Virginia people and Maryland people. Usually it’s just the stuff of gentle teasing, but some people get really worked up about it (especially Maryland people.) When we were engaged, we were both living in Virginia, but we started considering moving to Maryland. At that time I was a confirmed Virginia person. My husband had moved to the area a little more recently, so he didn’t see this as the huge identity issue I did.
We looked at apartments on both sides of the river, and went back and forth in our minds. I made my case for Virginia, he made his case for Maryland. But eventually it was time to make a decision, and he said, “Maryland.”
I still didn’t want to move to Maryland, so what was I going to do? Was I going to whine and moan and henpeck and wheedle and manipulate until I got my own way at last? Or was I going to heed St Paul and… submit? I chose the St Paul route.
(When I told my good friend Iris, a confirmed Virginia person (and a member of a fundamentalist church), that we were planning to move, I only mentioned that my fiance was firm on Maryland and that’s where we were going to go. She immediately (and approvingly) commented, “doing ‘the Ephesians thing,’ aren’t you?”)
Same thing with buying our house. We discussed together whether or not it was time to move, but he had the final word. When we were choosing houses, he paid attention to my input and I paid attention to his, but when he vetoed a house I liked, I didn’t whine, moan, wheedle, etc. just to get my own way — we moved on and looked at other houses. And when it comes time to decide how Hambet will be educated (parish school v. homeschool), the decison will be made the same way. I trust my husband, and know he will show respect for me by discussing the issue with me and listening to my thoughts on the issue. But if we come to differing conclusions, he will have the final word.
Anyway, that’s how this particular wife thinks about submission and puts it into practice. It is easy to do, in that I know my husband pays attention to my thoughts and that I know he is making decisions with the best interests of the whole family in mind. In daily life, I do most of the cooking and cleaning, and I try to keep my husband’s tastes and preferences in mind in the way I run the house. At the same time, my husband doesn’t act like he’s condescending, or doing me some immense favor, if he runs the vacuum or cares for his own child. I don’t feel like I’m “being ordered around.” He doesn’t lie around in the recliner demanding beer, but I’m happy to bring him one because I want to do something nice for him.
But it’s easy to do when things are going well (and it doesn’t always run this smoothly at the Maryland Moss household, for that matter.) For families where the husband is domineering or neglectful, or where the wife is greedy or contentious, this is where obedience and authority become crosses, and I don’t know what to say about that.