Tag Archives: motherhood

I Am So Useless

A few months ago, I signed up for the Designer Mystery Block of the Month Club and now I have two packets of fabric sitting on my sewing table, waiting to be devoured, but I can’t even look at them. You know I am feeling crappy and of no use to anyone when I can’t manage to sew one stupid block a month.
Each day my laundry piles up, if I get the energy to to do a load or two, the done laundry piles up in little folded piles designated by child, on the back of the couch…where they fall off behind the couch or in between couch cushions. Meals, I can’t even think about meal planning without getting extra nauseous, let alone cook. As of today, I am 14 weeks and 3 days. I have never been sick for this long, or at least this sick. I am getting scared because instead of better, I seem to be getting worse. I am not worried so much about health, they say every pregnancy is different, so I guess I am due for one that is 9 months of fatigue and morning sickness. But I hate this, this isn’t me. If my house gets messy, it is not because I cannot clean up. I don’t spend this much time on the computer or watching daytime TV in an attempt to stay up and awake. I do Mommy stuff all day. Now I just. can’t. No matter how much I want to, my body just will not move. I have forgotten what it feels like to be me, and now I am this person stuck in an invisible block of concrete I absolutely detest.
I have this horrible fear that I am going to feel like this for the rest of my life. I am going to end this pregnancy and then go right into post partum and all that fun stuff. another colicky baby who will not let me put them down, and post partum depression, and no clothes that fit. And I still will not be able to cook and clean and sew…and home school. Ohmygosh, the school year is like here and I have no idea what I am doing yet, and I cannot muster the emotional energy to figure it out. Anyone who home schools knows it is not simply picking out books, but you have to be emotionally motivated for it to be successful. When it was time to send in my IHIP, I wrote the school district, and called, and left messages asking them about procedures to put the kids in school, and they have not responded, which does not sit well with me (they have always gotten back to me the next day regarding h/s stuff, I guess to let me know they are watching me). I know, I haven’t been pushy enough because I am not confident in my decision…and I have been so sick… Also, speaking to the other neighborhood kids, apparently our lovely school district has one of the highest teen pregnancy rates and drug problems in the state, especially in the 8th grade which my son will attend. But I am equally not confident I can home school at all this year. I wish I had more time and I wish god would say “do this!”. Part of me thinks that is the silence from the school district-God directing me. But then He has to give me some more energy…
What if I never come out of this? What if I am this useless forever and the world just falls apart because I just couldn’t get up?
Update: I finally heard back from the school district. ‘Bout time.

Danielle Bean: “Are We A Pro-Life People?”

Danielle Bean has an excellent article over at Inside Catholic that I so needed today.
I read this and I started to cry:

When a battle-weary mother stands alone in her bathroom looking with disbelief at two tiny pink lines on a pregnancy test, it’s too late for family-planning discussions of clinical effectiveness. We’ve got a baby to take care of. And his mother…
“Soon after I announced that we were (unexpectedly) pregnant with our eighth child,” an older mom once wrote me, “I came out of Mass one day and found an NFP flyer tucked under the windshield wiper of my van. I even wondered if it was our pastor who put it there.”
Shame on us.
Whether we love NFP or hate it, whether we choose to use it in our marriages or not, whether we have one child or 16 children, we Catholics have no business receiving new life with anything but charity and joy. We have no business labeling our fellow Catholics, in their time of need and vulnerability, as crazy or irresponsible.
It takes courage for many Catholic couples to continue to refuse contraception, to remain open to life in their marriages, even when their circumstances are already difficult and they are hoping to avoid another pregnancy. The “99 percent effective” number people like to throw around about NFP becomes a much smaller one when translated into “user effectiveness.”

Thank you and God bless you.

My Other NFP Gripe

While I do know many providentalists and many NFPers, Deo Gratias, neither have been the extreme ilk described in the post below. Well not at least within the circle of people I consider my friends and confidantes, just opinions I read on the Internet here and there. I think my main gripe with NFP, both sides will agree is one of the tragedies of NFP in philosophy.
As I mentioned before, I suffered from Post Partum Depression after Berylla. My OB/Gyn (not Catholic, but a kind doctor) asked me the usual questions:
“do you have help?”
“how many small children do you have at home?”
“too many”
Then he asked if I could get dispensation from the Bishop to use birth control. I actually considered this option, knowing darn well my very liberal Bishop would grant it with no problem without even truly weighing the issue with true Catholic teaching. (Perhaps I shouldn’t have such doubts and trust God’s shepherds more.) There are the other factors though:
~Contraceptives are abortifacient.
~Contraceptives are carcinogenic.
~Contraceptives aren’t good for you.
~It is bad for marriages.
~The pill was funded by Margaret Sanger for eugenic purposes.
So here I am, working out, eating organic brown rice, refraining from drinking and smoking and I would give up all that work for an drug that is not necessary to sustain me or keep me healthy. The Church in all her wisdom simply understand what Truth is, and trying to find a back door is just denying the Truth.
I went home that day and spoke to my mother, the wife of a deacon. I figured with all my parents’ religious training and as a mother of four, she would have a better grip on the intricacies of this delicate situation. Her reply was that since I have tried NFP with earnest many times, that is God giving me the thumbs up to use birth control. That was the spoken part. The non-spoken part has been made obvious numerous times when I was a week or two post partum, and I was struggling to juggle cooking dinner, lessons, mastitis. After I had number four and I was in this situation, I called her and begged for a bit of help to which she replied “it was your choice to have more children; I did my time.” I never asked again. Of course she never volunteered.
You see NFP, even among Catholics who understand the moral and health contraindications of artificial birth control now have NFP to fall back on to allow large families to be labeled “irresponsible”. That means if they have lots of kids that is their responsibility and no one has a Christian duty any longer to help families in need, even their own families, who may be struggling financially or practically. “You got yourself into this mess, and don’t use that ‘being Catholic thing’ as an excuse, it’s your job to get yourself out.” There are no more of those stories from the 50’s about how the Murphy’s had 10 kids and they were dirt poor, so the girls couldn’t afford dancing lessons, but the kids enjoyed each others company, had tons of chores, looked out for one another and grew up to be good Catholics. Remember those stories? Today: “how can you neglect those kids by not giving them dancing lessons?”

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