One thing I never understood about the whole NFP philosophy is the whole “working with God to postpone children” thing. Now I am not arguing that if you use NFP for a “grave” reason as they say, that it is wrong, or anything like that. I am not debating Church teachings. I am just not Moral Theology Woman on this point and I can spend hours going around in circles wondering “Well, OK, using NFP is working with God, but is not using NFP not working with God?” It’s like which came first, the chicken or the egg? Or what would have happened to Colossus’ little sister Illyana if she didn’t spend those 7 years with Belasco? Would her powers still developed and would she still have died from that mutant virus? Would Colossus still have turned into a brooding angry guy? These things can fry your brain.
So I am thinking about how society has these check points that tell you if it is OK to have another baby such as temperment of the parents, finances, room-all that stuff. They make perfect sense. Logically, I should never have had another child after Fastolph. But I did.
So if logic tells us that I should not have had another child prior, once that extra child is here, it is very hard to argue that should not have been here (chicken and the egg again). My little Gorbulas is such a joy to have around and I cannot imagine life without him nor is there any doubt he should have been here.
Right now he is at that stage where he says a new word each day. He is just as cute as a button. The funny thing is he wants to be taken seriously but he is so short and has such fat cheeks and he is always taking his clothes off. How can you take someone seriously who is walking around wearing nothing but socks and dinosaur slippers?
So I do not understand, if we use NFP because logic dictates we do, but we ahem “oops”, is that still working with God’s plan or does God change His plans around? Oh well, it is a good thing I do not apply to be Dr. Janet Smith’s assistant.
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Good questions I can’t really answer — wow, the mystery of God’s will, direct (is that the term?) and permissive. I believe everyone was meant to be here, including people whose conceptions were the result of much worse than sloppy charting, or, if there is some obligation to avoid pregnancy in certain cases, a misguided understanding of what “trusting God” means.
I’m totally on board with Church teaching but I don’t think I’m a great apologist “for NFP” — I definitely understand why contraception is wrong and also understand why NFP is permitted, but am just not as enthusiastic about it as seems to be common among many modern orthodox Catholics. I think of it as one of God’s mercies on our fallen selves that we’ve discovered a licit means of postponing pregnancy without complete abstinence, not this amazing thing where God supposedly made us to be infertile part of the month so we could have a honeymoon phase and all that — gag. Having circumstances that would cause you to postpone pregnancy and need to determine the infertile period is a sad thing, and I just don’t buy the “God’s wonderful plan for a honeymoon phase!” marketing at all. I know not every NFP advocate puts it that way, but there really is a lot of talk about how it’s so effective these days, unlike that *snicker* rhythm method, and how it does wonders for your marriage, as if periodic abstinence is going to be the default for the Catholic marriage just as much as contraception for most other American marriages.
Oh, and the thing that really set me off once was reading an NFP instructor or would-be NFP instructor say she felt the need to use NFP very carefully so that the non-NFPers in her life would see how effective it truly was, as if that’s the main message we should send to others about the Catholic approach to procreation — we’re just as good at avoiding babies as everyone else, we just do it differently!
Wonderful thoughts both of you! I think that many Catholics today have forgotten that NFP is not supposed to be “the norm” for married couples. IT is to be the exception for special circumstances. Yes, Davy’s mom, what you said about God’s mercy is exactly right, for our fallen selves, but NFP and periodic abstinance and perpetual charting were not supposed to be our pre-occupations for the rest of our fertility!!
I also find it a little unnerving that with the touting of NFP as 98% effective, responsible parenthood etc. etc., Catholics forget what the church teaches about the generosity of couples being open to new life. It makes it seem that unless you are charting very twinge and symptom you are being somehow “not” responsible and the blessing of that child a mistake somehow. It is very very close to the contraceptive mentality.
Whew… sorry to rant on this but this topic hits a sore spot with me! Thanks for posting it.
I think that fertility awareness (which may or may not include using this awareness to seek or avoid pregnancy) is generally a good thing. I am generally not real gung ho about methods that require a boatload of technology – I even am not real fond of the thermometer – but I do find that women who chart their cycles and know their bodies have much more respect for life and the gift of fertility.
Of course, I see lots of women who have ‘issues’ with their cycles (I not only take care of pregnant women but I also do general gyn stuff like PMS, perimenopause, chronic vaginitis, Paps, etc). A well maintained fertility chart of ANY method is something that I find immensely helpful in diagnosis and that is usually the first step to treatment.
My husband has told me that he does not want to know what my charts say. We are OK with whatever God sends us – I personally would love another baby but I will be 50 next January so the chances are very slim. But I chart because I want to know what is going on with my body (and as far as I can tell, I am still ovulating regularly).
What NFP does to marriage is that it forces the conversation about the place of children in marriage in a way that artificial contraception does not. In a culture that demands that every child be planned, NFP may be the thin wedge into that conversation about Who is really in charge here.
Davey’s Mom,
I agree with you 100% and maybe that is why I am confused about ths issue. Actually, I do not think I am confused, you just do not hear many thoughts regarding NFP like the ones we have expressed. It is either “this is so great” or “it is wrong period.”
I also agree with Alicia about using it to help diagnose women’s health problems, but I don’t think there is a huge question about the licitness of using NFP to help combat PMS. It is a tool like anythng else.
In truth I was not even trying to express an approval or dissaproval of the method as much as how this aspect of moral theology-I don’t get it. And I think that has to do with the pro-NFP propaganda because it is really geared towards contracepting couples, but not those of us who were always open to life.
ooooo, my favorite subject on so many levels! but i’ve only time now for one comment and that is this: there are no “accidental pregnancies.” i almost got my block knocked off when a woman told me that her pregnancy was an accident (the pill didn’t work) and i said, “really? you got pregnant without having sex?”
I think your post and the comments give quite good reason for the recommendation of NFP by the church. There are just too many different life situations and different people to be able to pronounce one single right or wrong way to go about having kids. I must admit I don’t appreciate the implication that using NFP on a regular basis (for whatever goal) is the lesser good or mostly serves a contraceptive mentality. NFP is not so much a “method” in my eyes as just awareness of what is already God-given. The rest is up to the individual as everything else that’s not in the credo or a dogma (doning flame-resistant suit ;).
That said I resent the comments about how someone has not been prudent having gotten pregnant (again). Once there is a new baby on the way there is no justification for any comments of how it came about – it’s here, therefore meant to be. What is the purpose of discussing the “should’ve”, if not to hurt feelings and to judge?
+JMJ+
Also, some people don’t understand that NFP can be used to get pregnant successfully as well as to space between births. When I told my friend that a couple I knew who had four children had been using NFP for over ten years, she said, “No wonder they have four children”–implying that they must have been trying to keep it down to one or two and had failed. Um, not exactly . . .
That said I resent the comments about how someone has not been prudent having gotten pregnant (again). Once there is a new baby on the way there is no justification for any comments of how it came about – it’s here, therefore meant to be. What is the purpose of discussing the “should’ve”, if not to hurt feelings and to judge?
My rant comes essentially from this sentiment. There is family I still have not told about the new baby, and they will act like someone died.
“My rant comes essentially from this sentiment.”
I know and I’m really sad you have to feel this way. What happens in your family is not and should not be an explanation for NFP nor its justification.