Struggling With My Faith

A couple of months ago, I blogged about a sort of “Dark Night of the Soul” I was going through and I am ashamed to say it has not gotten better, but has gotten worse. I am ashamed because I know better, that my relationship with God can only be repaired by my actions, ashamed because I know logically God is there and is there for me, ashamed because I know faith is not merely about feel good emotions and the first time I am not “feeling good”, I am dropping the ball, and ashamed because the events in my life-well I have so much to be grateful and thankful for. Look at poor Terri, she was abused and the courts cannot even defend her, but have sentenced her to a slow painful death as a result. Man, I do not even have the words to describe how horrible that is. So if I know so much better, why are my emotions towards God so out of whack?
I was wondering if I am angry at God because of the events of the past summer (Gorbulas being hospitalized, marital woes and a bunch of other stuff) and the answer is no, not angry, but sort of numb. I think I have had a few breaks through. I have been very stressed over Gorbulas’ asthma. On Monday he came down with sniffles. I was determined to do everything I can to avert an asthma attack. I started with his nebuliser every four hours around the clock. I began with his Pulmocort every twelve hours. Three days after treatment, he had a minor asthma attack, despite the Singulair, Pulmocort and albuterol around the clock. I realised it is out of my hands. I thought I had control over it, but I do not. I was just giving myself a headache when I should have been giving it to God. Not that I should not do everything I can, but I have been losing much sleep over trying to figure out ways to avert another asthma attack to no avail. This may sound terrible, but I have been able to trust in God’s Providence in giving souls to me, perhaps I should trust in Him when it comes to taking them back? No, I am so not planning on sending any souls back to God at all, I am just saying that I can only do what I can do, which I will continue to do but I should leave the rest to Him.
I just have been so numb for so many months, I do not know how to get back to that. If a prayer can be spared, it would be appreciated. I think my husband has been at this place a little longer than I have. This scares me because one of us has to fight for the family on a spiritual leve, and neither one of us seems to be.


Comments are closed.