Recently in Parenting and Family Life Category

In the past couple of days, I stumbled on some pretty depressing internet tools. I am not sure if it more depressing that they simply exist, or that they are advertised like normal, run of the mill stuff.

The first was from a site called divorce360.com. Yep, a whole entire site dedicated to all things divorce. What was interesting was what they called the Marriage Calculator, or more to the point, a "divorce calculator". You put in some information such as your education level, how old you were when you got married, how long you have been married and they give you an odd percentage of the people who have gotten divorced in your "group" and a prediction of what percentage of people from your "group" will divorce.

For example, my results:

People with similar backgrounds who are already divorced: 36%

People with similar backgrounds who will be divorced over the next five years: 10%

In general for the five-year divorce prediction rates, those with less than 3 percent are at lower
risk, 3 - 7 percent are of average risk and more than 7 percent are at higher risk.

I have no idea what this summary says about me and my marriage. I would be inclined to ask things like "is your husband a Poopy-Head *?" Honestly though, I don't know what our culture's fascination is with constantly throwing out statistics about what increases divorce rates. I have read so many times that my marriage is doomed, doomed, doomed because we got married young. I would love to see as much attention devoted why marriages succeed, succeed, succeed! No, I am not claiming that there are no such things as conditions that certainly do or do not stack the cards for or against a marriage working, just simply this is plain ole depressing. I can see reaching road blocks in a marriage and easily throwing in the towel simply because "well, I shouldn't have gotten married anyway." It conveys a message of hopelessness rather than one of hope.

Perhaps this sort of info is useful prior to marriage, but once there is a commitment, I am not sure how telling people their chances of failing is of any help.

The second sad shock for the day was the DNA Eye Color Paternity Test. I actually cannot fathom at all what the point of this tool is. I clicked on it because I saw a link on one of my celebrity gossip sites stating "now you know if it's positive or negative, now find out if it's blue, green, or brown". Not an exact quote. I thought "oh fun, like one of those 'child height predictors'. I don't even know why I find this kind of thing fun. It's like "short Dad, short Mom, there's a good chance you will have a short kid." Wow. Really? Amazing!

But the eye color thing intrigued me. My husband and I have plain, not light, not dark, but just average, middle of the road brown eyes. Out of six kids, we managed to produce one with brown eyes like us, one with hazel eyes, one with heterochromia, or in other words one brown eye and 3/4 of another brown eye and 1/4 blue eye, another with hazel eyes, one with deep, chocolate brown eyes, and one blue/green-eyed little girl (yes, yes shamelessly showing off my kids). If you asked me before they were here, I would have guessed they all would have had dark, brown eyes, but God is full of surprises.

So I clicked on the quiz to see what other interesting combos might come up. I missed the point. It wasn't just for fun, it was some sort of paternity-predictor quiz. I am baffled how someone has slept with so many people in one month, they have no concept who the other parent is, and only have a few eye colors to go by, but I guess I don't watch enough Maury.

So here's the quiz:

First you select the "biological mother": "brown"

Then the "child": "blue-green"

Then the "Alleged Father": "brown"

Here are the results:

EYE COLOR ANALYSIS

Eye Color Test Results: Not Excluded

Summary: The Alleged Father is Not Excluded from being the biological father of the child because the eye color of the Alleged Father is consistent with the Child

The eye color chart (located below) highlights the eye colors that are most likely to occur in offspring (children) based on the eye colors that were selected for the parents. The eye colors 'highlighted' in color are most likely to occur. The eye colors indicated in 'gray' are considered to be unlikely.

Blue-green was in the "gray" area. So my husband is considered unlikely to be my daughter's father. Ah, science. Seriosuly, what is the point? Can you imagine if I was someone desperate for the kind of information this thing is supposed to help provide, and all I got was a "maybe, but unlikely"? Sheesh.

*"Poopy Head is an official psychiatric diagnoses. My father is a psychologist so I know smart stuff like this. True story. I highly recommend that if you are dating someone who is diagnosed as a "Poopy Head", you reconsider.

left school forgetting her coat in her locker. Why? She doesn't know. She realized she forgot when she had to walk home from her bus stop in the High of 36 degree upstate NY weather, and someone actually yelled out their car window "Girl, you need a coat!"

I told her I had to blog her story.

Hambet's teacher has suggested that he read and memorize some poems. Any suggestions of poems or collections? (Yes, "If" is on the list, but for the future.) Hambet, believe it or not, is seven years old.....

I can do 4 loads of laundry a day. I can spend much energy fretting over how to pay the next bill, how to pay for Christmas or school books, or worrying about filling our increasingly larger vehicles with gas. I can deal with multiple fund raisers from school. I can be burnt out at the end of some days because lots of littles have a way of making the place constantly looking like a nuclear bomb went off despite my best efforts. I can deal with gestational diabetes, colic, mastitis, post partum depression. Tag team diaper changes, yep I do that. Sewing hand-me-downs to get more use out of clothes, sewing Halloween costumes, snow suits and coats, check. Three meals a day cooking mostly from scratch to stretch a budget as far as it can go while keeping meals appetizing, nutritious and made with whole foods. Let's not forget sleepless nights with babies, and getting up at 5.30 AM to start the chores and see the kids off to school. A house filled with every available spot of wall space covered with book shelves for kid's books, school books and "worthwhile reading", and an extra dresser in each bedroom. Yep. Such a pain, but I do that. Getting over the hump of first handwriting lessons, times tables and phonics. Teenagers, teenage music (Tokio Hotel anyone?) and teenage fashion. Yeah, kind of like purgatory.

All that stuff it passes, and at the end of the day, it's so worth it. There is no comparison between the work and stresses of having a large family brings and simply having my large family. Everyday I thank God for sending them to me. We don't have a lot, but we have each other and sometimes I think it can't get any better than my husband and children.

All that stuff above is hard work, but it is fulfilling meaningful work and I take it on gladly (well, not all the time). But I do take it on and I know better than anyone what it is to do all that in my home. I think God gives me the strength, although I'd be lying if I said without complaint. I love to complain. But I still do it. Everyday.

That stuff is incredibly easy to deal with, but I can't take take the remarks. I am at the end of my rope with the remarks. I can spread my laundry out throughout the day to make it more manageable. I don't know how to spread the nasty remarks out in my heart to make them more manageable. I don't know how to deal with either the lack of words, no congratulations, just admonishing looks used to teach me lesson in case I accidentally find joy at the arrival of another child. Am I supposed to think "well, at least they are not gossiping about me?" I don't know how to deal with overhearing another round of gossip about how I can't possibly understand or handle all the above life's difficulties with a family my size. I am tired of people who spend no time around my kids dismissing them all as "bad" and undisciplined, not because they are, but because they are simply there. Complete strangers who are around my children in not so fun situations like Mass, doctor's office waiting rooms, restaurants compliment us all the time. We must be doing something right once in awhile.

I don't know how to deal anymore. Each remark weighs on me heavier and heavier. Every lack of defense those close to me do not make while others go on rampages about my stupid choices to have my family hurts as well. If people close to me cannot see all the work I do, then what do they see about me? I don't want to know and when I get a small glimpse, it hurts. This life I have, it's not just what I do, it's who I am. This choice to not just simply take the stupid Pill already is not because I am too stupid nor because i am too holier-than-thou (depending on which family member you talk to), it's simply because I couldn't live with myself.

Jesus said:

Blessed are ye when they shall revile you, and persecute you, and speak all that is evil against you, untruly, for my sake: Be glad and rejoice, for your reward is very great in heaven. For so they persecuted the prophets that were before you. You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt lose its savour, wherewith shall it be salted? It is good for nothing any more but to be cast out, and to be trodden on by men. You are the light of the world. A city seated on a mountain cannot be hid. Neither do men light a candle and put it under a bushel, but upon a candlestick, that it may shine to all that are in the house. Matt. 5:11-15

This brings me comfort, yet I wonder if I dare be so arrogant to think He meant me too. I don't know, but it's all I got right now standing between sanity and deep, deep sadness.

Rosey Posey:

I just watched three episodes of BrideZilla and enjoyed it, which I am ashamed of because it means there is something wrong with me. But it gives me a positive outlook. First it makes me grateful that I am not marrying someone like that. Second it means I will get married because I now know that no matter how ugly, mean, and shallow you are, there is always someone out there willing to marry you!

So there you go. If you are ever feeling blue, you can remember you are blessed to live in part of the world where people have mostly have food, clothing and shelter. You can remember Jesus loves you to have died for you. Or you can remember you are not marrying a BrideZilla!

Between you and I, I'll have to pass. I can't stomach that show or that My Sweet 16, or any of those "it's my party and I'll make your life a living hell if I want to," shows.

I want to say "it's that time of the year again", but in truth, I should have been on the ball a few months ago. I was just to busy feeling miserable. So as usual, I am trying to plan a Christmas list, that falls within a budget, that contains more objects that will last a bit of time and have sort of creative benefit, that won't break that day, and after all that, the kids will actually like.

Yesterday I stumbled on these patterns:

Felt lunch patterns
Chinese Take-out felt pattern
Felt tea set

I am not sure how many of these sets I can churn out by Christmas (probably like one), but they are just darling! I think that and perhaps a little taffeta, princess dress-up dress, and the 2-year old girl is covered. Boys are not as easy.

When I decided to send my two oldest to school, I figured it was simply time. I had this great, philosophical attitude about the whole thing. I taught them our values, I taught them Church teaching. Heck, I immersed them whole-heartedly for the past 15-13 years in what we believe. It's now up to my kids to take those values and teachings and decide for themselves what to do with them. If I am lucky, they will embrace them. Or maybe they will fall into step with what everyone else is doing, and come back to them later in life, as many people do. Or they may simply reject them.Fact is, I have done is all I can do. I can't dictate their feelings and I have desire to control them.

They of course are still children, and just because I put them in public school, doesn't mean I am throwing in the towel. It just means I simply do not have the same amount of control as I used as to what they are exposed to. I actually think that is a good thing. It is one of the many reasons I decided it is time for them to go. I do not want them to be faced with people problems when they are away from home, and do not have family support to fall back on.

Before I go on, let me state, these are my reasons for my children, right here and now, where we are in our lives. This is not a formula I think every good Christian parent needs to follow. Every situation is different, every parent is different, every child is different. All this is is me reflecting (ok, blathering...whining) about stuff on my mind in regard to current choices I have made in my very hormonal state (hence my need to work things out in writing)

So, here I had this great philosophical attitude that shaped my judgments. Why is it then the first time a teacher starts his anti-Catholic rhetoric, I start to panic? I mean it is expected, it's popular intellectual thinking, how the Church ruined the world throughout history. How the Church kills people with Humanae Vitae. How the Church is made up of misogynists because they preach against abortion. When I thought about it, I was ashamed of my own answer: the teacher was telling my daughter her parents are wrong. I want to say because "he is misleading kids" and other more altruistic answers, which I do feel, but the heart of the matter is I was insulted. This is my culture and he is dissing it. He probably has no idea. Just like all the Albany priests say they cannot preach about abortion, contraception, divorce from the pulpit, because you might insult someone, I have a feeling it didn't occur to this teacher that there might be a child of a practicing Catholic family in his classroom who embrace Catholic teaching right down to the no-divorce/no-contraception teachings. So after my own personal revelation, I decided, (like hopefully sane people usually do) get over myself, to stay my course and move forward.

I think, as it turned out I had very little to worry about as as my daughter is concerned. My daughter came home that afternoon with more questions about what she learned in history that didn't seem "quite right'. She said she learned about the Western Schism and that the purpose was to make money and persecute Protestants, which didn't sit right with her. She also wanted to know how it would play out today, who would be the "real" pope-the one in Rome or in Avignon. I have to admit, the little I learned on the schism always confused (and gasp, bored) me, so I told her to call my father.

Do you remember when Jeff Miller said "scratch a dissident and you will find someone upset about some area of the Church's teaching on sexual morality"? No exception here. I over heard her tell my father that the teacher complains a lot that he is divorced and feels birth control is necessary. She also said that she liked her global teacher, she loves how intelligent he is and that he was the only teacher to give her an assignment on the first day of school. She said she didn't understand why he simply didn't say "I made a mistake and that area of Church teaching was hard for me to follow", but rather turns it into a long vent against the Church. When he starts his stuff on what's wrong with the Church, it makes her doubt his intelligence, because he is plain wrong. She also said that it worries her that is she hears so much mythology day in and day out about what the Church teaches or what happened, she will no longer question it and try to seek out the truth-just simply take it at face value. My father told her the rule of thumb regarding Church history is, unless you understand the theology and what was going on at the time, you never get a full story of what happened and what truly motivated people. They are simply leaving holes in the story and making up the rest.

I thought my father gave good advice about Church history. And I thought I should pray for the teacher. Imagine how much of struggle his choices are that an otherwise intelligent man has to hold a captive audience of 15-year olds hostage to hear about his therapy. Sheesh, that's what blogs are for.

How annoying a ride this has been just to get the kids in there. For home schoolers, NYS requires a Notice of Intent sent to the school board by July 1. An "IHIP" or basically a curriculum in within six weeks of the Notice of Intent, quarter reports with samples of work handed in each quarter, and starting at second grade, some sort of assessment every other year, and every year in high school. This can range from a standardized test to a statement hand written by a teacher. We used St. Thomas Aquinas Home School Academy for the older grades (which I highly recommend) and they assessed the kids at the beginning of the school year to devise their curriculum, so I sent that in.

This local school district, for whatever reason, always asks for more than the legally required, such as they make up their own outline for an IHIP demanding booklists with publisher and author names, they send me out dates for the state tests stating the kids must take these specific state tests, they send me quarter report notices when the traditional school semester ends despite the fact that the law states 180 days out of the school year, not that it has to be within the traditional day after Labor Day until the last week of June.

After all that work, at the end of HS, all you have to show for it is you were simply "compliant". They do not get a diploma. You can get a GED, or take an additional 24 credits at a community college. Home schoolers are not elegible to take the state Regents exams which would entitle students to a Regents dipolma, which is basically a passport to NYC schools. Since money is an object, we were hoping Rosey Posey could attend a state school, at least in the beginning.

With all that attention and demands on our home school, you would think they are super attentive to their traditional students. You'd think.

We were told by the HS, since our kids were home schooled, that our records (all that dang paperwork I submitted) would be at the school district office, and to give the home schooling liason (the woman who sends all the threatening letters letting me know they are watching me) a call so they can figure out what grade to put Rosey Posey in. They said since we didn't use a "state curriculum" and take the "state tests" she might have to repeat ninth grade to get credit. Part of me was annoyed, and part of me knew we would have to pay for our home schooling insolence, so I warned Rosey Posey, who of course, threatened to run away.

We called the school district office, and left a message. And called again. And again. Fed up, we stopped by her office. She was in the back and when the secretary said we were there (we could see her) she said "tell them I'm busy". Oh my husband was livid.

We went from there right back to the high school guidance office. The secretary (who is a very nice lady) didn't understand why they nor we had not heard from the school district home schooling liason lady (her exact title of "Director of State and Federal Projects") have not gotten back to them or us. My husband who was angry said "because she refused to see us!" I said "Now Polo, they said she was busy."

"No, don't correct me! She refused to see us."

Perhaps I should not have corrected him, because less than an hour later, Rosey Posey who was at home (we left there and went to the store) got a call from the guidance counselor 9this was last Friday) saying they are putting her in tenth grade, into the college-bound course of study and take it from there. If it's too hard or too easy, they will tweak the classes as needed. She said to call first thing Tuesday morning to come in and devise her schedule. What a relief.

Tuesday comes and we call at 8.30 AM...and call...nothing.

Wednesday comes and we call. Finally we get a return call around noonish (school started yesterday-Thursday). The guidance counselor said "now who are you and why are you calling?" we explained "How can I devise your curriculum without your records?"
Bangs head against wall. "Oh, I think it's coming back to me..." Deo Gratias we went in, devised a schedule which I swear is identical to my 10th grade schedule.

I had a "proud Momma" moment when the counselor asked if she wanted to take health 1 health class is needed for graduation. Rosey Posey asked "is that sex ed?"

The counselor skirted "yeah, it's about the body and health issues and some sex talk in involved. "

" I don't want to do sex ed."

OK, I guess we'll hold off.

She also wanted to know if Rosey Posey had ever done things like be around people before, ever been inside a school, ever played a sport, ever seen other children. I thought despite everything, the lady was genuinely nice and probably had no idea she was speaking in terms of stereotypes vs. reality. We had a nice chuckle about it after the fact.

For the first time, Rosey Posey, who had been threatening to never, ever forgive me for as long as live for putting her in school, and was going to run away, seemed excited.

OHmygosh, we spent a fortune on necessary school supplies, gym sneakers, a rudimentary wardrobe...what was needed in binders, boxes of tissues, correct pens, index cards etc. we could have used on home schooling books for nearly everyone.

More in a bit...

Many members of my family have "issues" (like every other family), and of course gossip stems from these various issues (although I guarantee these days I am the source of plenty of fodder-actually I know I am as I stumbled in a conversation about me and "all those kids", but that's another story).

One common complaint was of a family member who at one point in her life discovered QVC and before she knew it was deep in credit card debt. She later remedied the problem and cut up her cards, but the topic comes up every now and then in family circles. When I think about my relative, and where she was in her life, I could easily see how she made such a mistake. I said so last time the topic came up: "you know, if I didn't have a bunch of kids and I had time to watch QVC, and had disposable income, I could see myself doing the same thing." Of course my family's reaction was simply "oh yeah, of course you would!" as opposed to putting themselves in our relative's shoes.

But it's true. I think there are a ton of really stupid things I would do if I didn't have children to force me to be more responsible and gain perspective. Or be healthy. Another trait that runs in my family is perfectionism and OCD. I will not at all claim I am not OCD, not by a long shot. But having a bunch of littles, four of which are boys in a row, and the various pets, germs, spills, and diapers will cure you quickly. Before I freaked when everything wasn't clean and spotless. I kew we'd get bugs, or diseases or a random social worker would stop by and say "You have children here? In this house with two spots on the white area rug?!?" Today I just tell them make sure they don't use the couch cushions to build their forts when company comes, so no one sees the crunched up Goldfish crackers underneath them.

Although dirt is not limited to little boys. Yesterday I had my daughter in a white t-shirt and pink capris. The second she got out, she hopped and giggled, and rolled on the ground. Back and forth and proceeded to roll under the van. My three year decided to help her by doing what any three-year old would do, he started prodding her with a stick under the van (I think the giggles coming from under the van were too much for him). My neighbors came home from Dollar General or Wal-Mart or where ever it is they go to look on in horror as my toddler rolled and giggled. I had the sudden urge to say "neighbor's kid" but I knew that wouldn't hold water since they were my neighbors. I was a responsible Mommy. I sat on the porch and yelled (quite forcefully, mind you) "Hey You, Fredegar! Stop poking your sister with a stick when she is rolling around under the van!" Actually my husband was only two feet away and he retrieved her right away, so I was really not as neglectful as I sounded.

When she emerged she was blackened with dirt, her little white t-shirt and her little pink pants. Another time, i would have required some sort of tranquilizer. These days "oh well, that's why God gave us pre-treater,"

I think everyday there is another reason having children gives me a better sense of perspective.

I have to tell you their real names for a second, because this is funny. My daughter, Dree (short for Adrianna) is best friends with another home schooled girl named Bree (short for Brianne). Bree's family owns a drive-in where Dree works the weekends. Since they work late into the night, Dree often ends up spending weekends at Bree's house.

Here's the catch: according to Dree and Bree, Bree's house is haunted. Every once in a while Dree comes home with tales of odd lights or shadows. Last weekend apparently was quite and adventure for the two girls with all kinds of spooky events. Dree relayed them to me the tale in the hopes I would believe her. I did because similar things have happened in my grandmother's haunted house. So I did what any Catholic mother in my place would do-I handed her a St. Benedict medal to keep with her if she is worried.

Bree was absolutely baffled that a medal with an exorcism prayer exists, and even worse, that Dree's mom just happened to have one handy. (I don't know, I think my mom has a wooden chest under her bed with all kinds of stuff like that...)

According to Dree, the conversation went as follows:

Bree: so did you tell your Mom about the incident with the ghosts at my house?

Dree: Yeah

Bree: Well, what did she say?

Dree: Um, nothing much, she gave me a St. Benedict exorcism crucifix.

Bree: silence...A what?!? What is that and there is such a thing?

Dree: explains to her what it is etc...

Bree: Well, what makes it special?

Dree: Well, it was blessed by a priest.

Bree: And what makes him special?

Dree: Well he was ordained.

Bree: What does missing body parts have to do with it?

silence

Bree: Um, ordained doesn't mean "missing body parts" does it?

Dree: No, Bree no.

I am so smitten with his little girl!

Yeah, she seriously needs some hair.

I think it has taken me 6 kids to realize I like this age (18-24 months). I always associate the toddler years with learning the word "no", and finding new and unique ways to use it. Toddlers means throwing food and potty accidents. But there is another side to this age. They are like still babies, but babies who can communicate a bit better and actually show preferences and affection and even tell silly baby jokes in their own way.

I usually refrain from telling people how great I think my kids are because well, everyone feels that way about their own kids and no one feels that way about other people's kids. There is always this weird and annoying mother who thinks that the way she feels means there is something so much more incredible and unique about that child, as opposed to this is motherhood. You know, you see her in the schoolyard everyday waiting to pick up your own rugrats, and she has new pictures each day of Trevor and the dog, Trevor at Lake George, Trevor walking into the bathroom, Trevor walking back out of the bathroom, Trevor trying on pants at Gap kids, and oh, look how funny, those pants are too big! But we found the ones that fit Trevor just fine...see here's the picture. As a result, when I talk about kid stuff and Mommy stuff, I try to keep the conversations relatable and neutral. You know, how you deal with lack of sleep, teenagers being teenagers, boys and boys' interests, that kind of thing.

But yesterday, Berylla spent the whole day pulling out the stops and being the cutest 20-month-old little girl in the Upstate NY Moss household! First she kept skipping from room to room, then she did so hugging the doll I made her for Christmas saying "awww, Baby. Baby." Then if you gave her a hug and a kiss she'd giggle. Oh, and she kept showing me her toes saying "Mommy, tink-ee, tink-ee (stinky)." The last one I kept showing my husband to which he looked at me like I had 8 heads for being charmed by this. I told him he has no soul, or heart or both. Rosey Posey informed me that there is nothing cute about her smelling her toes and proclaiming they are stinky. Berylla fixed her when she ran up to her yelling her name with her arms wide open for a hug. I think I even saw Rosey Posey smile.

So what's a mother to do when no one wants to pay attention to how incredibly awesome her little girl is? Hold people who read my blog hostage of course!

So my mother-in-law who is naturally outraged about our upcoming new arrival, told my husband that she had a great way to look at this.

"You know,"she told my husband "since you and Pansy are fertile, Pansy can sell her eggs and get $50,000 for them!"

"No, she's not doing that. Besides, she's too old."

Thanks for straightening that out, Hon. (No, I am not annoyed at him, but something about being reminded that you are suddenly "too old" never sits well.)

This idea is laughable not only because the obvious Catholic thing, 1. I am too old and 2. the going rate in Albany is more like $3000, not $50,000. It may be more in Central NJ, but I doubt that much more. Why the heck would I sell my eggs without knowing what would happen to my children?

What is slightly upsetting about this is OK, i get that even though my mother-in-law is a baptized Catholic, how many people fall into this category and haven't got a single clue what the Church teaches. Typical, I know. But there is something slightly (or maybe not so slightly) upsetting about people who are supposed to take a personal interest in you, who butt in to admonish you about your personal choices (home schooling, too many kids) and never ask nor seek to find out what it you believe exactly. I just couldn't imagine if my son was following a faith that were the reasons behind him making some counter-cultural choices (good or bad), I'd be curious about the roots of those beliefs.

Danielle Bean has an excellent article over at Inside Catholic that I so needed today.

I read this and I started to cry:

When a battle-weary mother stands alone in her bathroom looking with disbelief at two tiny pink lines on a pregnancy test, it's too late for family-planning discussions of clinical effectiveness. We've got a baby to take care of. And his mother...

"Soon after I announced that we were (unexpectedly) pregnant with our eighth child," an older mom once wrote me, "I came out of Mass one day and found an NFP flyer tucked under the windshield wiper of my van. I even wondered if it was our pastor who put it there."

Shame on us.

Whether we love NFP or hate it, whether we choose to use it in our marriages or not, whether we have one child or 16 children, we Catholics have no business receiving new life with anything but charity and joy. We have no business labeling our fellow Catholics, in their time of need and vulnerability, as crazy or irresponsible.

It takes courage for many Catholic couples to continue to refuse contraception, to remain open to life in their marriages, even when their circumstances are already difficult and they are hoping to avoid another pregnancy. The "99 percent effective" number people like to throw around about NFP becomes a much smaller one when translated into "user effectiveness."

Thank you and God bless you.

I had my prenatal visit the other day and the PA mentioned that at 18 weeks, if I so choose, I could get genetic counseling, a level II ultrasound, and perhaps an amnio to look for birth defects-specifically Down Syndrome. I am now 35, therefore officially of "advanced maternal age" making the chances of having a Down Syndrome child go up substantially. The more advanced my age, the more "up" my chances go, and from what she described, it seems once I hit 40, well, don't even try reproducing (ha ha, I just made a funny..."try" ha ha).

She said this is just and offer (about 100 x's), and not necessary (I had the feeling the fact that i was pro-life showed somewhere). I said I would ask my husband and so I did. He said if it makes me feel comfortable, sure but in his estimation we do not need it. It's our baby, nothing they reveal would stop us from having the baby, end of story. Good answer. In my pregnancy brain, I flip flop back and forth over the dumbest details and I think were I asked this when I wasn't pregnant, it would be a cut and dry answer, but now I am emotional and I worry, and am indecisive and I need a partner in all this life stuff to tell me what to do until I'm sane again.

13 years ago, when I was 22 years old and pregnant with my Number 2, Posco, my AFP Triple screen came out "funny" (according to the doctor who left a message on my answering machine). So they sent us to genetic counseling, an ultrasound and an amnio. We of course opted to go because the doctor scared the living daylights out of us and gave me the impression that this was simply the next step after a Triple Screen. And I of course *thought* the idea was to give us a head's up to prepare for a child who might have special needs (I was actually thinking Spinabifida more so than Down's).

The genetic-screen-counselor person told me I had about the same chance of having a baby with Down Syndrome as a 35-year-old woman (oh, the irony) which was pretty high (according to them).Before I had a 1 in 1 million chance of having a child with Down's Syndrome, now it was like 1 in 200 (I don't remember the exact stats, but they were startling). We had the ultra sound, we had the amniocentesis and the doctor who did the procedure said "18 weeks is still early enough along to take care of it if we find out there is bad news today." I felt stupid and angry and felt that by participating, I unwittingly contributed somehow to the philosophy that children are disposable. I told my mother this story and she rolled her eyes at my melodrama (as par the course) and said her doctor told her these tests were to perhaps fix an anomaly that could be fixed or to prepare parents in advance.

I know the usual pro-life mom tagline is simply to reject these tests, and I don't think I had a Triple Screen again after that incident with my following 4 children. Like my husband said, I will most likely turn down the tests this time around. But it makes me wonder: preparing ahead if you have a child who needs special attention does not seem anti-life to me. I think if I had a pro-life, NFP only doctor, I might opt for the tests. Do women who are lucky enough to have NFP only docs, who feel confident that abortion is not an ulterior motive accept these tests? Or do these doctors simply not offer these tests? I guess the overall question is what would women's health care look like if the industry wasn't so obsessed with birth control and abortion and you had confidence that your doctor was genuinely trying to take care of you and not sterilize you.