Parenting and Family Life: June 2008 Archives

This is my Dear Rosey Posey:

On weekends, she works at a local drive-in theater owned by her best friend's family. On this particular day, the drive-in was having a 50's party, so the day before the party, she informed me she needed a 50's outfit. So I got to work looking at poodle skirt pictures on the Internet and headed out to Wal-Mart the night before for fabric. Of course it is ont "authentic", poodle skirts are made out of felt, but the felt was $4 a yard and I found this cotton for $2. It also should have been fuller, and I tried by just making a basic elastic waist A-line (easy without a pattern) with lots of fabric. It was fine for working in the concession stand.

So Rosey Posey has low iron, according to her doctor. I am not sure how you can have low iron and not be anemic (I understand anemia can be from other issues), but that is what her doctor told me. They said they want her to eat iron-rich foods such as dried fruit (she steals all my prunes, but won't admit it is her), legumes,spinach, etc.

She knows the drill because I have always struggled with iron I told her she can take blackstrap molasses and her response was "yeah, I know, but that's disgusting". So this morning I made some whole wheat oatmeal muffins with molasses and raisins and I know for a fact she will not eat them. Why would she? Even worse, why would I make them knowing she won't eat them! Muffins are supposed to have chocolate chips! Yet I bother for some odd reason that mothers bother with the things. You know, like how we cook vegetables for the kids who hate vegetables every night. It's some kind nonsensical Momism. She's going to get up in a little while and look at them and say "oh, um, th-thanks, um, gee, raisins and blackstrap molasses..."

And I'll say "and oatmeal and cinnamon. Try one, they're good." (Which they are, I just had one.)

And she'll say "no thanks, it's morning, I'm not hungry."

The doctor also told me to buy her Flintstone's Chewable with Iron and she needs to take 2 a day. Her first reasction was "but these aren't the Gummi kind!"

"Rosey Posey, they do not sell vitamins with iron in Gummi form."

"Hmmph!"

"Make sure you hide those in your drawer away from your little brothers. They will think they are candy and eat them. Iron can be dangerous."

So her answer to that was to put them in the pantry next to the raisins.

"Rosey Posey, I said to hide these!"

"I did! They were on a higher shelf where they could not reach them...or see them...unless they looked like up. And I doubt they are smart enough to look up!"

She's going to read this and think I am dumping on her. I'm not. The daily goings on in raising children creates (what to me seem) funny scenarios that I would like to record and go back and read. That is one of the things I love about keeping this blog.

While I do know many providentalists and many NFPers, Deo Gratias, neither have been the extreme ilk described in the post below. Well not at least within the circle of people I consider my friends and confidantes, just opinions I read on the Internet here and there. I think my main gripe with NFP, both sides will agree is one of the tragedies of NFP in philosophy.

As I mentioned before, I suffered from Post Partum Depression after Berylla. My OB/Gyn (not Catholic, but a kind doctor) asked me the usual questions:

"do you have help?"

"no"

"how many small children do you have at home?"

"too many"

Then he asked if I could get dispensation from the Bishop to use birth control. I actually considered this option, knowing darn well my very liberal Bishop would grant it with no problem without even truly weighing the issue with true Catholic teaching. (Perhaps I shouldn't have such doubts and trust God's shepherds more.) There are the other factors though:

~Contraceptives are abortifacient.
~Contraceptives are carcinogenic.
~Contraceptives aren't good for you.
~It is bad for marriages.
~The pill was funded by Margaret Sanger for eugenic purposes.

So here I am, working out, eating organic brown rice, refraining from drinking and smoking and I would give up all that work for an drug that is not necessary to sustain me or keep me healthy. The Church in all her wisdom simply understand what Truth is, and trying to find a back door is just denying the Truth.

I went home that day and spoke to my mother, the wife of a deacon. I figured with all my parents' religious training and as a mother of four, she would have a better grip on the intricacies of this delicate situation. Her reply was that since I have tried NFP with earnest many times, that is God giving me the thumbs up to use birth control. That was the spoken part. The non-spoken part has been made obvious numerous times when I was a week or two post partum, and I was struggling to juggle cooking dinner, lessons, mastitis. After I had number four and I was in this situation, I called her and begged for a bit of help to which she replied "it was your choice to have more children; I did my time." I never asked again. Of course she never volunteered.

You see NFP, even among Catholics who understand the moral and health contraindications of artificial birth control now have NFP to fall back on to allow large families to be labeled "irresponsible". That means if they have lots of kids that is their responsibility and no one has a Christian duty any longer to help families in need, even their own families, who may be struggling financially or practically. "You got yourself into this mess, and don't use that 'being Catholic thing' as an excuse, it's your job to get yourself out." There are no more of those stories from the 50's about how the Murphy's had 10 kids and they were dirt poor, so the girls couldn't afford dancing lessons, but the kids enjoyed each others company, had tons of chores, looked out for one another and grew up to be good Catholics. Remember those stories? Today: "how can you neglect those kids by not giving them dancing lessons?"

Under no circumstances should you ever put yourself in the position of giving or denying your spouse permission to go after something he or she wants, be it a thing, a personal goal, a certain amount of time or attention, or an emotional investment on your part. Negotiating the what (instead of the how and when) in marriage changes you from a partner into a parent, and it reduces your spouse from an adult to a child. Inevitably, this dynamic creates the kind of resentment that, if allowed to go unchecked, causes divorce.

~Excerpt from God Help Me, These People are Driving Me Nuts by Dr. Greg Popcak

Actually, EB aside, I thought this paragraph was so familiar, and well, vindicating:

It reminded me of how, early in my marriage, as my wife and I adjusted to NFP, Julie joined an NFP listserv, and mentioned that we were struggling with it. She never said, "And so we're thinking about ceasing to follow NFP," or anything like that. She just said that nothing in the literature prepared us for how difficult it could be to follow.

The reaction was telling. She was completely ignored. It was weird, actually. Any idea that NFP is anything other than the perfect, most easily implemented way of life seemed forbidden in that online circle. It was as if you couldn't admit to having problems with it, even within the context of fidelity to NFP. For an online support group, that was discouraging. She dropped off the list after that.

I friggin' hate NFP. While I would never tell anyone not to use it, and I think every married couple should learn it, I hate it. Why? Six kids and counting. I love my kids, they are all blessings from God, but I have actively used NFP with the intentions of not having six kids. I know that in the catacombs of faithful married Catholics, I am positive I am not alone.

Mr. Dreher links to And Sometimes Tea: The Great NFP Debate which also has a comment (actually quite a few) that ring true to me as well:

They may express the idea that a couple who doesn't use NFP may experience periods of satiety, when their supposed lack of self-control has a dampening effect on the mystery and romance of marital union. They may even start to hint about a lack of prudence, or to discuss the importance of focused types of parenting.

I also hate the other great NFP lie: That NFP is 99.999999% percent effective for everyone who takes the time to learn it. I think that is true, Deo Gratias, for a lot of people, so don't think I am making excuses not to learn NFP. I think for some people, it just does not work very well for whatever reason.

I have been told that my only problem with NFP is a total lack of self-restraint on my part and I must have a secret porn addiction or that I must be overly scrupulous and therefore what Red Cardigan calls a "QP". Needless to say, "wha' the?"

I am actually so jealous of people whose lives are so uncomplicated that this is a black and white issue for them.