Parenting and Family Life: August 2008 Archives

I Think My Children Saved Me

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Many members of my family have "issues" (like every other family), and of course gossip stems from these various issues (although I guarantee these days I am the source of plenty of fodder-actually I know I am as I stumbled in a conversation about me and "all those kids", but that's another story).

One common complaint was of a family member who at one point in her life discovered QVC and before she knew it was deep in credit card debt. She later remedied the problem and cut up her cards, but the topic comes up every now and then in family circles. When I think about my relative, and where she was in her life, I could easily see how she made such a mistake. I said so last time the topic came up: "you know, if I didn't have a bunch of kids and I had time to watch QVC, and had disposable income, I could see myself doing the same thing." Of course my family's reaction was simply "oh yeah, of course you would!" as opposed to putting themselves in our relative's shoes.

But it's true. I think there are a ton of really stupid things I would do if I didn't have children to force me to be more responsible and gain perspective. Or be healthy. Another trait that runs in my family is perfectionism and OCD. I will not at all claim I am not OCD, not by a long shot. But having a bunch of littles, four of which are boys in a row, and the various pets, germs, spills, and diapers will cure you quickly. Before I freaked when everything wasn't clean and spotless. I kew we'd get bugs, or diseases or a random social worker would stop by and say "You have children here? In this house with two spots on the white area rug?!?" Today I just tell them make sure they don't use the couch cushions to build their forts when company comes, so no one sees the crunched up Goldfish crackers underneath them.

Although dirt is not limited to little boys. Yesterday I had my daughter in a white t-shirt and pink capris. The second she got out, she hopped and giggled, and rolled on the ground. Back and forth and proceeded to roll under the van. My three year decided to help her by doing what any three-year old would do, he started prodding her with a stick under the van (I think the giggles coming from under the van were too much for him). My neighbors came home from Dollar General or Wal-Mart or where ever it is they go to look on in horror as my toddler rolled and giggled. I had the sudden urge to say "neighbor's kid" but I knew that wouldn't hold water since they were my neighbors. I was a responsible Mommy. I sat on the porch and yelled (quite forcefully, mind you) "Hey You, Fredegar! Stop poking your sister with a stick when she is rolling around under the van!" Actually my husband was only two feet away and he retrieved her right away, so I was really not as neglectful as I sounded.

When she emerged she was blackened with dirt, her little white t-shirt and her little pink pants. Another time, i would have required some sort of tranquilizer. These days "oh well, that's why God gave us pre-treater,"

I think everyday there is another reason having children gives me a better sense of perspective.

Rosey Posey's Mother Is Strange

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I have to tell you their real names for a second, because this is funny. My daughter, Dree (short for Adrianna) is best friends with another home schooled girl named Bree (short for Brianne). Bree's family owns a drive-in where Dree works the weekends. Since they work late into the night, Dree often ends up spending weekends at Bree's house.

Here's the catch: according to Dree and Bree, Bree's house is haunted. Every once in a while Dree comes home with tales of odd lights or shadows. Last weekend apparently was quite and adventure for the two girls with all kinds of spooky events. Dree relayed them to me the tale in the hopes I would believe her. I did because similar things have happened in my grandmother's haunted house. So I did what any Catholic mother in my place would do-I handed her a St. Benedict medal to keep with her if she is worried.

Bree was absolutely baffled that a medal with an exorcism prayer exists, and even worse, that Dree's mom just happened to have one handy. (I don't know, I think my mom has a wooden chest under her bed with all kinds of stuff like that...)

According to Dree, the conversation went as follows:

Bree: so did you tell your Mom about the incident with the ghosts at my house?

Dree: Yeah

Bree: Well, what did she say?

Dree: Um, nothing much, she gave me a St. Benedict exorcism crucifix.

Bree: silence...A what?!? What is that and there is such a thing?

Dree: explains to her what it is etc...

Bree: Well, what makes it special?

Dree: Well, it was blessed by a priest.

Bree: And what makes him special?

Dree: Well he was ordained.

Bree: What does missing body parts have to do with it?

silence

Bree: Um, ordained doesn't mean "missing body parts" does it?

Dree: No, Bree no.

Thank Heaven For Little Girls

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I am so smitten with his little girl!

Fifi was being annoying while I was trying to cook

Yeah, she seriously needs some hair.

I think it has taken me 6 kids to realize I like this age (18-24 months). I always associate the toddler years with learning the word "no", and finding new and unique ways to use it. Toddlers means throwing food and potty accidents. But there is another side to this age. They are like still babies, but babies who can communicate a bit better and actually show preferences and affection and even tell silly baby jokes in their own way.

I usually refrain from telling people how great I think my kids are because well, everyone feels that way about their own kids and no one feels that way about other people's kids. There is always this weird and annoying mother who thinks that the way she feels means there is something so much more incredible and unique about that child, as opposed to this is motherhood. You know, you see her in the schoolyard everyday waiting to pick up your own rugrats, and she has new pictures each day of Trevor and the dog, Trevor at Lake George, Trevor walking into the bathroom, Trevor walking back out of the bathroom, Trevor trying on pants at Gap kids, and oh, look how funny, those pants are too big! But we found the ones that fit Trevor just fine...see here's the picture. As a result, when I talk about kid stuff and Mommy stuff, I try to keep the conversations relatable and neutral. You know, how you deal with lack of sleep, teenagers being teenagers, boys and boys' interests, that kind of thing.

But yesterday, Berylla spent the whole day pulling out the stops and being the cutest 20-month-old little girl in the Upstate NY Moss household! First she kept skipping from room to room, then she did so hugging the doll I made her for Christmas saying "awww, Baby. Baby." Then if you gave her a hug and a kiss she'd giggle. Oh, and she kept showing me her toes saying "Mommy, tink-ee, tink-ee (stinky)." The last one I kept showing my husband to which he looked at me like I had 8 heads for being charmed by this. I told him he has no soul, or heart or both. Rosey Posey informed me that there is nothing cute about her smelling her toes and proclaiming they are stinky. Berylla fixed her when she ran up to her yelling her name with her arms wide open for a hug. I think I even saw Rosey Posey smile.

So what's a mother to do when no one wants to pay attention to how incredibly awesome her little girl is? Hold people who read my blog hostage of course!

Hi Baby!

So my mother-in-law who is naturally outraged about our upcoming new arrival, told my husband that she had a great way to look at this.

"You know,"she told my husband "since you and Pansy are fertile, Pansy can sell her eggs and get $50,000 for them!"

"No, she's not doing that. Besides, she's too old."

Thanks for straightening that out, Hon. (No, I am not annoyed at him, but something about being reminded that you are suddenly "too old" never sits well.)

This idea is laughable not only because the obvious Catholic thing, 1. I am too old and 2. the going rate in Albany is more like $3000, not $50,000. It may be more in Central NJ, but I doubt that much more. Why the heck would I sell my eggs without knowing what would happen to my children?

What is slightly upsetting about this is OK, i get that even though my mother-in-law is a baptized Catholic, how many people fall into this category and haven't got a single clue what the Church teaches. Typical, I know. But there is something slightly (or maybe not so slightly) upsetting about people who are supposed to take a personal interest in you, who butt in to admonish you about your personal choices (home schooling, too many kids) and never ask nor seek to find out what it you believe exactly. I just couldn't imagine if my son was following a faith that were the reasons behind him making some counter-cultural choices (good or bad), I'd be curious about the roots of those beliefs.

Danielle Bean has an excellent article over at Inside Catholic that I so needed today.

I read this and I started to cry:

When a battle-weary mother stands alone in her bathroom looking with disbelief at two tiny pink lines on a pregnancy test, it's too late for family-planning discussions of clinical effectiveness. We've got a baby to take care of. And his mother...


"Soon after I announced that we were (unexpectedly) pregnant with our eighth child," an older mom once wrote me, "I came out of Mass one day and found an NFP flyer tucked under the windshield wiper of my van. I even wondered if it was our pastor who put it there."

Shame on us.

Whether we love NFP or hate it, whether we choose to use it in our marriages or not, whether we have one child or 16 children, we Catholics have no business receiving new life with anything but charity and joy. We have no business labeling our fellow Catholics, in their time of need and vulnerability, as crazy or irresponsible.

It takes courage for many Catholic couples to continue to refuse contraception, to remain open to life in their marriages, even when their circumstances are already difficult and they are hoping to avoid another pregnancy. The "99 percent effective" number people like to throw around about NFP becomes a much smaller one when translated into "user effectiveness."

Thank you and God bless you.

I had my prenatal visit the other day and the PA mentioned that at 18 weeks, if I so choose, I could get genetic counseling, a level II ultrasound, and perhaps an amnio to look for birth defects-specifically Down Syndrome. I am now 35, therefore officially of "advanced maternal age" making the chances of having a Down Syndrome child go up substantially. The more advanced my age, the more "up" my chances go, and from what she described, it seems once I hit 40, well, don't even try reproducing (ha ha, I just made a funny..."try" ha ha).

She said this is just and offer (about 100 x's), and not necessary (I had the feeling the fact that i was pro-life showed somewhere). I said I would ask my husband and so I did. He said if it makes me feel comfortable, sure but in his estimation we do not need it. It's our baby, nothing they reveal would stop us from having the baby, end of story. Good answer. In my pregnancy brain, I flip flop back and forth over the dumbest details and I think were I asked this when I wasn't pregnant, it would be a cut and dry answer, but now I am emotional and I worry, and am indecisive and I need a partner in all this life stuff to tell me what to do until I'm sane again.

13 years ago, when I was 22 years old and pregnant with my Number 2, Posco, my AFP Triple screen came out "funny" (according to the doctor who left a message on my answering machine). So they sent us to genetic counseling, an ultrasound and an amnio. We of course opted to go because the doctor scared the living daylights out of us and gave me the impression that this was simply the next step after a Triple Screen. And I of course *thought* the idea was to give us a head's up to prepare for a child who might have special needs (I was actually thinking Spinabifida more so than Down's).

The genetic-screen-counselor person told me I had about the same chance of having a baby with Down Syndrome as a 35-year-old woman (oh, the irony) which was pretty high (according to them).Before I had a 1 in 1 million chance of having a child with Down's Syndrome, now it was like 1 in 200 (I don't remember the exact stats, but they were startling). We had the ultra sound, we had the amniocentesis and the doctor who did the procedure said "18 weeks is still early enough along to take care of it if we find out there is bad news today." I felt stupid and angry and felt that by participating, I unwittingly contributed somehow to the philosophy that children are disposable. I told my mother this story and she rolled her eyes at my melodrama (as par the course) and said her doctor told her these tests were to perhaps fix an anomaly that could be fixed or to prepare parents in advance.

I know the usual pro-life mom tagline is simply to reject these tests, and I don't think I had a Triple Screen again after that incident with my following 4 children. Like my husband said, I will most likely turn down the tests this time around. But it makes me wonder: preparing ahead if you have a child who needs special attention does not seem anti-life to me. I think if I had a pro-life, NFP only doctor, I might opt for the tests. Do women who are lucky enough to have NFP only docs, who feel confident that abortion is not an ulterior motive accept these tests? Or do these doctors simply not offer these tests? I guess the overall question is what would women's health care look like if the industry wasn't so obsessed with birth control and abortion and you had confidence that your doctor was genuinely trying to take care of you and not sterilize you.


Di Fattura Caslinga: Pansy's Etsy Shop
The Sleepy Mommy Shoppe: Stuff we Like
(Disclaimer: We aren't being compensated to like this stuff.
Any loose change in referral fees goes to the Feed Pansy's Ravenous Teens Fund.)


Pansy and Peony: The Two Sleepy Mommies



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