I can do 4 loads of laundry a day. I can spend much energy fretting over how to pay the next bill, how to pay for Christmas or school books, or worrying about filling our increasingly larger vehicles with gas. I can deal with multiple fund raisers from school. I can be burnt out at the end of some days because lots of littles have a way of making the place constantly looking like a nuclear bomb went off despite my best efforts. I can deal with gestational diabetes, colic, mastitis, post partum depression. Tag team diaper changes, yep I do that. Sewing hand-me-downs to get more use out of clothes, sewing Halloween costumes, snow suits and coats, check. Three meals a day cooking mostly from scratch to stretch a budget as far as it can go while keeping meals appetizing, nutritious and made with whole foods. Let's not forget sleepless nights with babies, and getting up at 5.30 AM to start the chores and see the kids off to school. A house filled with every available spot of wall space covered with book shelves for kid's books, school books and "worthwhile reading", and an extra dresser in each bedroom. Yep. Such a pain, but I do that. Getting over the hump of first handwriting lessons, times tables and phonics. Teenagers, teenage music (Tokio Hotel anyone?) and teenage fashion. Yeah, kind of like purgatory.
All that stuff it passes, and at the end of the day, it's so worth it. There is no comparison between the work and stresses of having a large family brings and simply having my large family. Everyday I thank God for sending them to me. We don't have a lot, but we have each other and sometimes I think it can't get any better than my husband and children.
All that stuff above is hard work, but it is fulfilling meaningful work and I take it on gladly (well, not all the time). But I do take it on and I know better than anyone what it is to do all that in my home. I think God gives me the strength, although I'd be lying if I said without complaint. I love to complain. But I still do it. Everyday.
That stuff is incredibly easy to deal with, but I can't take take the remarks. I am at the end of my rope with the remarks. I can spread my laundry out throughout the day to make it more manageable. I don't know how to spread the nasty remarks out in my heart to make them more manageable. I don't know how to deal with either the lack of words, no congratulations, just admonishing looks used to teach me lesson in case I accidentally find joy at the arrival of another child. Am I supposed to think "well, at least they are not gossiping about me?" I don't know how to deal with overhearing another round of gossip about how I can't possibly understand or handle all the above life's difficulties with a family my size. I am tired of people who spend no time around my kids dismissing them all as "bad" and undisciplined, not because they are, but because they are simply there. Complete strangers who are around my children in not so fun situations like Mass, doctor's office waiting rooms, restaurants compliment us all the time. We must be doing something right once in awhile.
I don't know how to deal anymore. Each remark weighs on me heavier and heavier. Every lack of defense those close to me do not make while others go on rampages about my stupid choices to have my family hurts as well. If people close to me cannot see all the work I do, then what do they see about me? I don't want to know and when I get a small glimpse, it hurts. This life I have, it's not just what I do, it's who I am. This choice to not just simply take the stupid Pill already is not because I am too stupid nor because i am too holier-than-thou (depending on which family member you talk to), it's simply because I couldn't live with myself.
Jesus said:
Blessed are ye when they shall revile you, and persecute you, and speak all that is evil against you, untruly, for my sake: Be glad and rejoice, for your reward is very great in heaven. For so they persecuted the prophets that were before you. You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt lose its savour, wherewith shall it be salted? It is good for nothing any more but to be cast out, and to be trodden on by men. You are the light of the world. A city seated on a mountain cannot be hid. Neither do men light a candle and put it under a bushel, but upon a candlestick, that it may shine to all that are in the house.
Matt. 5:11-15
This brings me comfort, yet I wonder if I dare be so arrogant to think He meant me too. I don't know, but it's all I got right now standing between sanity and deep, deep sadness.
