While it is always fun to get together with extended family over the holidays, these holidays brought a rally of strange comments such as "so, it looks like you are joining a cult...""well, you cannot possibly want anymore children, you can't afford it...""you have to be moderate...""those poor kids, they cannot even watch Charlie Brown's Christmas because you don't have cable...those poor kids...""why does your wife like to wear long skirts? This is 2003..." Many of the same family remarked and were stunned at how well behaved and non-materialistic our children are, yet pity our children for being forced to endure a crazy extreme lifestyle that teaches them to appreciate family and cooperation over material things and self-indulgence(although you may not know it if you were a fly on the wall here).
So, I left the last family get together wondering what exactly is "moderate" or "too extreme"?I suppose moderate means first of all, how much of the secular world are you willing to allow your children exposed too. My husband and I thought we were rather "moderate" because we do not believe in cutting something secular out, for no other reason than it is secular.
I think a good example of this would be for us, Harry Potter. Many Catholics I know are up in arms about Harry Potter. After reading the book and seeing the movies, I personally do not see the problem. However I am not someone who has dabbled in the occult before, so stories about witches do not feel dangerous to me and simply seem like fantastical stories that I really would give much thought too. I guess if I were someone who endagered myself in the past with occult practices, maybe I would feel differently. For a very, very long time, I was wary of the stories, but in all honesty, I cannot find anything against them.
There are other areas that I personally feel I should pay more attention to that others have never had a problem with (such as modesty), and I think these issues vary from family to family. So I am wondering why the choices we have made seem to make us so bizarre?If this were a strictly secular scenario, no one discredit a recovering alcoholic from not wanting alcohol in his home. I know I am not alone in this. When I swap stories with other Catholic Mommies, many have similar stories of similar comments from other people. So what is the problem? Why does it stick in someone's craw if I have cable, or 8 children, or whether or not we do or do not decide to do Harry Potter? It is frustrating because on the one hand, my modest dresses are not modest enough and we are too wordly, on the other hand, my family thinks we are running off to join a cult because we moved to the country so the kids can have fresh air.
I personally feel often I am groping in the dark trying to find the right direction to steer the kids, and it is so hard when people are always telling me I am too extreme or too wordly. Is it possible that the road that God sets for one family is different from the next? Has a certain culture, such as our American one always been so specific for each family?
Your post touched a chord. Extreme and moderate are both relative terms. I think you would find me very worldly and I have probably tolerated more worldliness in my children's lives than you do.
However, many in my family find me somewhat odd. I'm probably the only one of my generation in a family of cradle Catholics who is raising my children as practicing Catholics. I spent 15 years or so as a lapsed Catholic, and I regret the lost years and some of the stupid choices I made during that time.
My two sons are teenagers, and although I don't try to keep them apart from the world, there is much about contemporary culture that they loathe and distance themselves from.
I will warn you that my older son has paid dearly for our different values. He will not compromise, and instead, lives a quiet life with very few friends. That is one of my regrets.
My other is that I wasn't able to homeschool them.
I believe that it is the Faith that matters most, in all these decisions. The kids will have to become engaged in the world at some point to survive. We can't keep them too isolated.
My kids understand the Christmas is a holy day, even though branches of the extended family were often far too generous to them at Christmas. They know that marriage is for keeps, even though they have so many relatives that are divorced.
But maybe if I felt they were absorbing too many of the world's opinions, I would have steered a more extreme course to influence their values.
It's hard when your family doesn't understand your choices, but take heart. There are others like you, and you should nourish those connections with like-minded Catholic parents.
I'm finding it difficult to state a clear conclusion to this post. I just wanted to reach out and say I admire the choices you are making, and I'm sure that you're kids will enriched by the life you've chosen.
The definition of "Extreme" is anything that makes me feel inadequate about what little I do beyond giving lip service to the values I espouse and you live.
"Moderate" is living in a normal, rational, comfortable way. Just like me.
Obviously you just need to cleanse your aura of those weird extremist ways. Let's meditate on the Christ-like nature of "The Bachelorette" and sing hymns of inspiring moderation:
Bloom, blo-o-o-om where you're plaaanted . . .
You are considered dangerous because you are not raising your children to be unthinking consumers of 'popular culture'. Also, by having more than 1.5 children you make it difficult for those children to consume and thereby fuel the engines of the economy!
It all comes down to money.
If you get a chance, listen to Marie Bellet's song "WHat I wanted to say".
alicia -- good news, it's now 1.7 children by current records.
pansy & everyone else -- SEE CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN! Very pro-big family. Very charming.
***from the movie***
kelly ripa as herself: "So. Did you have them all the conventional way?"
bonnie hunt as kate baker: (thrown off by the question) "uhh...Well, you know, by the sixth one, they started walking out."
***
steve martin as tom baker: "What can I say? We LIKE kids!"
It is sometimes very difficult, isn't it? There is still some small part of me that wants it to be EASY. To fit in. To not always be the "different" one.
People feel compelled to talk to you in those ways, most of the time, because you make them feel guilty about something in their lives. Every choice that you make, if it is not the same as theirs, seems like a judgement on them--EVEN WHEN THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU INTEND!
We have homeschooled for nearly 10 years now. Still today, when people ask us where Zteen goes to school, they feel like they have to JUSTIFY their decision to do something different. Or to make us weird, so they don't HAVE to justify. I have never told these people that homeschooling is the way THEY should educate their children. It is one of a lot of options, and the BEST option for us.
And in most situations, I have never said one tiny word about what I though THEY should do for their kids. Unless asked directly, that is. Even then I tell them homeschooling isn't for everyone--it's an option.
But it's easier to put me in the "weird camp" than to consider off the beaten track options.
I'm finding it difficult to state a clear conclusion to this post.
That is my fault, the kids would not tolerate me spending any more time on the computer, so I came to a wuick conlusion rather than losing all of my brainstorming thinking I would either come back to it later, or maybe what I was saying would get through.
That happens a lot, they seriously take it personally when I am online and my train of thought gets interrupted a great deal. I would blog more if were not for that.
Oh, my basic conclusion is why does family who supposedly loves me very much, and can see that so far my children seem to be turning out well, care if we have cable or not, or allow Harry Potter or not, have 17 kids or not? I have cousins who have three different kids by three different fathers, who have been strippers, who throw their kids into daycare, yet somehow we are the center of gossip and criticism. What's the deal?
Well, as a knowledgeable person said to me the other day, and pretty much what Lee Ann said, a serious Christian/Catholic can be a prick to the consciences of the less serious. Isn't contraception one of those things that is sort of a natural law issue, so that to some extent even if you're thoroughly indoctrinated into its goodness something may remain "written on your heart" against it? Same with anything else that doesn't sit quite right, like being entertained by inappropriate materials on the cable TV that may technically get a pass with most people as not being porn or anything.
"why does your wife like to wear long skirts? This is 2003..."
Last night I was watching Brother Cadfael and thinking how nice it would be to just wear those warm monk habits all the time. I wonder how often they would need washing??? I think the cold NY air is finally getting to me!
"I have cousins who have three different kids by three different fathers, who have been strippers, who throw their kids into daycare, yet somehow we are the center of gossip and criticism. What's the deal?"
Have you ever said exactly that to those who are gossiping? I mean with no rancor, no venom and a big smile on your face? I've found that when you state simple truths about things, lots of mumbling, red faces and examination of the floor-boards takes place. Usually with a respite from the annoying sniping, at least for a little while. The one thing they are looking for is to see you annoyed (as someone said, b/c you are pricking at their conscience - annoying them - so they want to get back at you)...and if you never let 'em see you sweat, you win. Remember, they are not interested in hearing about your value system, your faith and the goodness it brings to your family. They aren't interested in thinking about much of anything, really. Besides the latest reality TV, that is.
This is so common among practicing Catholic moms, I can't tell you. Some I know have outright hostile relatives who go out of their way to bait these good moms and their children...give innapropriate gifts, attempt to take them to lousy movies, use bad language and talk about garbagey pop culture stuff, etc. etc. But being Catholic does not mean being a wimp, as Fr. Groeschel likes to say. We shouldn't expect everyone to like us so sometimes we have to speak up when things go too far.
Have you ever said exactly that to those who are gossiping?
no, I have had fantasies about it, but I am too chicken droppings. I think one day I will. The fact is, the people in the family that no one ever messes with are the loud mouths.
This is so common among practicing Catholic moms, I can't tell you. Some I know have outright hostile relatives who go out of their way to bait these good moms and their children...
Yes, it seems to be the case. I can understand not everyone seeing eye to eye, but I never understand the hostility. Some of the cousins I mentioned I do not see eye to eye with, but I love them and understand despite differences in morals, they are trying. I would never say "oh, your poor kids have deal with the fact that you met their father while you were stripping", but I hear ten times the lectures for no cable...
My 3rd son (out of 5 children here) when asked what he wanted for Christmas said, "Whatever I get!" I just loved that answer. : )
you know, it just occured to me that many of us grew up without cable and seem to have done okay. I did not have cable television until I was 29. When did cable become a necessity?
Long skirts? Weren't long skirts and dresses the style just a couple of years ago (when all the dresses were that empire-waist with pin tucks and a skinny sash in the back style?) So it's okay to wear them to be in style, but not for any other reason?
I am still finding a lot more long skirts in the stores these days than I remember from several years back. Maybe I was shopping juniors or something though. Maybe being a plus-size at the top fringe of the Misses section, I just automatically screen out the short, skinny skirts and don't notice that there are many of them.
Pansy:
I'm sorry, I meant I was having trouble bringing my comment to a conclusion, I was the one having rpoblems not you! I remember how hard it was to write with little ones around. As soon as the computer clicked on they waged all out battles for my attention.
So sorry for my vagueness, I didn't mean to offend you.
Cable is a necessity?!? Oh no, I better call the company and have them come out. I did not know that I was taking such chances.
I grew up without a television in the house. We have one now, although it seems to be stuck on Fellini this week, but no cable.
As to long skirts, I'll pass, thank you, as with my red beard everyone would think that I am Scottish. I know they are a Gothic barbarian innovation, but trousers work just fine for me.
Jo,
No offense taken. I really did find it hard to keep my concentration though...