Last week, my brother said he watched an episode of ER in which Abby arranged for a woman to have an abortion because she had 5+ kids and she was so "run down". Her husband could not be convinced that birth control was bad and this poor women was reduced to a mindless breeding machine. Isn't it amazing how ER mirrors real life?
Months before I had Gorbulas, number 4, Andrea Yates tragically drowned her 5 children. This set a precedent that being a housewife, homeschooling, having so many children was a formula for mental illnness, murder, suicide or what have you. People continually started asking in hushed tones "are you alright?" It seems quite evident that only religious, homeschooling mothers with more than three children lose sleep, have controlling husbands, suffer from depression, are busy or are homicidal maniacs.
After I had Gorbulas I suffered from a bit of post partum depression and I believed it was my fault because I had 4 kids. Of course it was the end of January, and I always get a touch of seasonal induced depression at that time. But everyone was so worried, that must have been it. OK, I'm tired of it. I often feel the need to paint a picture for people that I am totally sane and capable-even more so than people who do it right and choose not to complicate their lives by more than one kid and keeping a career. I am woman, hear me roar. But that is not always the case either. So I have been thinking about my life lately and here are some of my very random thoughts on motherhood:
-I love having 5 kids. I want more because I cannot imagine my life without a baby around. They are a blessing.
-However, my homelife is crazy and it is driving me nuts. My two year old nibbled a hole in a bag of Cheerios before I got up like a mouse because he must have been starving to death. (I do feed my kids incidently).
-My boys never sit down quieltly.
-My daughter is such a good girl and I need to tell her that more. But when I am about to, she walks into a wall.
-I do not get out enough to do things just for me. I rarely spend money on just me. I have very little social life outside the home since becoming a SAHM.
-Although I think my lack of social life has as much to do with the fact that I do not like many people in real life than being busy with Mommy stuff. People annoy me-a lot.
-Would people annoy me so much if I weren't a SAHM? Probably not because I would view the world from a much more one dimensional perspective. I would vote democrat and wouldn't see a think wrong with ordaining women.
-My husband does not coerce me into having more children. In fact, from people I know who are open to life, husbands seem to worry more about numbers of children than wives.
-My kids drive me crazy all day.
-I don't think I would ever get to know my children very well if I didn't homeschool. I think I would view them as accessories in my life as opposed to my vocation.
-My doctor keeps asking me if I am getting enough sleep. The answer is "no". Do any mothers?
-My arms and shoulders ache all the time from holding the baby.
-I have great shoulders.
-There is nothing in the world as wonderful as co-sleeping with a little, snuggly baby.
-I need a 12 step program because I am so addicted to pinching plump baby cheeks and thighs.
-Babies rocks.
-Being able to nurse is a blessing.
-I hate how flabby I look after having Fedegar.
-Since none of my pre-pregnancy clothes no longer fit, I just had to go buy all new ones. Oh well.
-I had to swallow my pride and look for them a size bigger.
-They all have to have nursing access. All my clothes have needed nursing access since I've been married. A small inconvenience.
-I love to cook and am glad to have people to cook for.
-I hate to cook, these kids eat at least three times a day.
-I hate mornings. The boys wake up yelling. The baby cries. I need to cook and get dressed. I feel very overwhelmed in the mornings.
-My floors are always sticky because some one spills something at least once a day.
-When we go out, someone usually compliments my husband and myself about what a beautiful family we have.
-I get depressed sometimes because life is boring and the same day in and day out. I very badly want to get dressed up and be whisked away to somewhere with a black dress, perfrume and make-up.
-If I were not a married housewife, I know I would be depressed because I
would want to be. There are far worse things in life than monotony.
-My daughter tells me often how pretty she thinks I am.
-I cannot wait to be a grandmother and I daydream often about having lots of grandchildren and being an eccentric old lady. I want them to call me Suga Mama like on the Proud Family. And when I send them money for Christmas presents in cards, I am going to send it in obscure amounts like $17.97 (like a check for $17.95 and two pennies) so they will deliberate why I sent them that amount. I daydream about stuff like this often.
-My 5 year old is a handful. He cannot sit still, he is always trying to pick up women and he breaks things all the time. Sometimes I wish he had an "off" button.
-My 5 year old is so intelligent it is scary, and I think quite a few times a day that if he survives growing up and gets no one pregnant out of wedlock, he is destined for great things.
-I am sorry my husband only has time to work and come home-and go to the gym. On the other hand I'm not that sorry.
-The period of time that our children are small and need us goes by very fast. People think and act like once you have a baby, they will be needy three year old for the rest of your life. They grow up in the blink of an eye and you will cease to be the center of their world before you know it. It is a blessing to have little munchkins around who think so highly of you. It is an honor.
May God bless you Pansy...even more than He already has.
Wanna know a secret? I am sooo jealous of your life! It sounds wonderful! I wish I had five children!
Will say a special prayer for you tonight...
Hmm... I can relate to quite a few of these -- but you know, I wonder about the "I want more because I cannot imagine my life without a baby around." You know, someday, that day will come. Whether you have 2 kids or 12. Someday, there comes a day where you have to imagine life without a baby around. I am really not sure that not knowing how life will be that way is a good enough reason to bring new life in to the world, especially if it is extremely difficult to care for the life already entrusted to you. (although, I really don't think that is your only reason) :)
I say this more because of me -- I felt that same way for a long time "I can't imagine life without a baby" -- and yet, in so many ways, it was clear that God's plan for me right then did not include another baby. I hope someday it will, but then, I don't want to have more children just to put off that day when there are no more little ones in the house.
Anyway, just something to maybe think about. It's hard to trust God's plan for us, whether it involves more babies or not. Or maybe it's just me. :)
"-I am sorry my husband only has time to work and come home-and go to the gym. On the other hand I'm not that sorry."
I just had to say, this slays me! Liked the rest of the list as well. I only have two munchkins (only!) but I know how hard it is to talk about the depressing parts without having people think it's all bad and depressing and that there are no good parts, when in actuality it's mostly good parts. If that makes sense.
As a mom of (soon to be) 11, I can totally relate! I laughed out loud at the giving the grandkids money in obscure amounts comment. LOL I'd never thought of that! Probably every single day I cannot wait to NOT be pregnant, yet as soon as I have the baby I'm currently due with, I'll want to be pregnant again! What a "vicious" cycle! LOL
Oh, Pansy, how lovely!
Treasure them. It seems only yesterday that Zteen (now 18!) was cruising around in his ABC sneakers and overalls. And now he is nearly gone. We were only blessed with one, but I pray all the time that when he gets married, he will have six or seven! But boy will that be culture shock for him!!!!
I hear you so loud and clear! It is so hard to explain this stuff to the 'outside world'.
Boy, can I relate, and I've only got two (so far!) Raising little lives, and all the work and responsibility attached, is so wonderful but so overwhelming.
A woman here in Canada suffering from post-partum psychosis (PPP) recently killed herself, her husband and one of her three beautiful girls. The other toddler was attacked, and the baby was unharmed. According to the family and friends, she was a wonderful mom, very involved and committed to her parenting, SAHM. She just lost it because of the PPP. That really scared me, because everyone says if she'd known how close to the edge she was getting, she would have gotten more help. She had already hired a sitter and a maid (both part-time) to ease her burdens. Here was a woman who was doing everything they tell us to do when feeling overwhelmed and down. Do we know how close to the edge we are? (shudder -- good Lord, please protect all mothers!)
And then there's the tsunamis -- they're estimating 100,000 killed, so many of them toddlers and babies. I've been holding my kids so much closer lately.
I guess all we can do is try to face each day with optimism and prayer. Guess I never realized being a mom would open a perpetual wound in my heart. But the Queen of heaven shares that wound (and I bet there were days with Jesus where she felt a little overwhelmed too -- hello, Jesus in the temple at 12?)
(And Pansy, I'm addicted to sweet little co-sleeping, nursing babies too. There's nothing more beautful than a baby smiling around the breast as he drinks his fill. :-)
amen.
To all you someday grandmas who want to send odd amounts of money to grandkids, please also consider sending a stick of gum.
My grandmother did and all us little pre-reading children smelled all the mail around our birthdays until we found the envelope that smelled like Juicy Fruit. It was exciting.
Thank you for this post. We're hopefully on our way to a large family, too. There's just the one now, but I always joke I'm only being given the graces to be a mother of one now and that's why it's still challenging. :)
I agree that there is nothing like snuggling up to a tiny little person in your bed at night. Co-sleeping terrified me so much at the beginning that I got almost no sleep myself with my son in the bed. Now I don't know how I'd fall asleep without him so close.
Wait, I'm pregnant with number 4, I'm exhausted, and still feel the need to make everyone think I've got it all together all the time.
YOU MEAN I'M NOT CRAZY???
Thank you.
Loved your post!
While I am not a SAHM any more -I am married to a SAHD -Stay at Home Dad...we can both relate. We are expecting our 12th and 3 are already out of the house. We have two lovely grandchildren as well. Seeing the awful news about the Tsunamie, we both were wondering how we could adopt a couple of those children over there! We can hardly imagine a house without children, though on the other hand we can. I think it will be a sad day if and when that happens. We've breast-fed, co-slept, gone momentarily nuts, cried, worried, locked ourselves in our room and ignored the arguing between the kids, and experienced so much laughter and joy that it is hard to explain.
As for giving birth to more myself...well, we'll have to wait and see! We are still working on this one...
Hang in there. It is totally worth it!!!!!!
I have 7 children, and laughed so hard, I cried, then I cried so hard, I laughed. I read it out loud to my husband, and he asked if I had written it. Wow, what peaceful relief to read that this is all normal, and even though my kids drive me crazy all day long, I still love them fiercely. Thanks for the lift!
It all sounds perfectly normal to me. I have eight, and we definitely have a strange and wonderful family--emphasis on the strange sometimes. By the way, I live about five blocks from where Andrea Yates lived, and yeah, it was scary, for me and for other people who did keep checking to see if all us other homescholing moms of many were OK. The checking up part wore off after a little while.
Hilarious, one of the funniest posts I've read in awhile.
By the way, my friend's wife wanted to have a baby because she missed that "new baby smell".
I'm a bit curious about this newborn smell I keep hearing of. The smell of a certain brand of disposable wipes and when the air purifier was on brought back emotional memories of when my first was a newborn. Now with #2 who was born in August, I can't think of any smell that does. (The little spitup king has tended to have sour breastmilk breath :( ) Actually, the pine Christmas tree scent currently detectable through my cold reminds me of the morning sick early weeks, but that's a mixed blessing at best...
I know you better than that but I still have to say.. that part: "I don't think I would ever get to know my children very well if I didn't homeschool. I think I would view them as accessories in my life as opposed to my vocation."
- did not sit so well with me as I don't plan to homeschool and resent the implication. There's no need to justify a choice in these terms. Anyway, I suppose I know what you meant. Nevermind.
dinka (who was public schooled all her life, including some very intense communist indoctrination and she turned out JUST GREAT!)
Dinka,
I can understand your POV. That said, I have to say that at times, I've felt exactly like Pansy on this topic, and this is only because I am homeschooling myself. This is not to say that you, or other people who don't home educate would ever feel a disconnect with your/their children, it's just the way I think I would feel. For example, I am just not the sort of Mom that would volunteer regularly at the school to be a classroom Mom. Not for any other reason other than I have younger children, and very few, if any, alternate arrangements for them during the day. Chances are, I'd also go back to work if I wasn't homeschooling, which means that I wouldn't see my children until dinner time, and if I were to get my old job back, I'd rarely see them at all.
But aside from that, given the time and situation of homeschooling, it's inevitable that you get to know a different side of your children--and many of the experiences are shared experiences. It's very hard to explain as it's so different. I wonder if I would be dedicated enough to "after-school" with my children (i.e. do all of the projects, activities, and lessons we do now, once they get let out of school in the afternoon), but then I think that I probably couldn't. They'd get that part at school, only I wouldn't be there. This is not to say that they wouldn't tell me about it all.
Again, it's very individual. I'm sure that Pansy wasn't speaking for *everyone* in her post, only for herself. I mean, I don't think I'd vote democrat (green maybe ;^) ) had I not been married, and I never cared for women's ordination.
I also went to public school, and I turned out fine, but I also went to daycare until 7 or 8 pm. I was only home on weekends and weeknights in time for a late dinner, bath, and bed. I suppose it varies with families, but this was just my experience. I'm sure that if I had my Mom home after school, we would've bonded a lot more than we did.
I had nine, but the youngest is 15. I have 7 grandkids now but they don't live nearby enough, and I work now, so am not as close to them as I would like to be. I thought I wouldn't be able to bear it when there wasn't another baby..but then I was in nursing school ...and my oldest daugher had a baby and they were living with us then, so the time kind of slipped by...NOW that I am 54 and can't have another, short of a miracle, I am asking myself why I didn't have more when I was still able.
I had all the ups and downs, happy and sad times, things wonderful and awful, that are mentioned above. I had people ask me "Why don't you get yourself fixed so that this doesn't keep happening to you?" I said, "But, but, I WANT all my children." When someone said after I had the second, "Now you have your boy and your girl and you can stop." I said, "Oh, no, I plan to have a baby every 18 months for the next ten years or so." That shut her up! And I came close to doing it, too. I have a friend who also had nine, two of whom I caught when they were born. We both look back on this aspect of our lives with great satisfaction. I don't know anyone who says "I wish I hadn't had so many children." I have heard many people say, "I wish I had had at least one more."
Now when I work, I wish I could stay home, the way I sometimes complained about having to do. Partially, I didn't value what I was doing enough, because no one else did. Now I know it was important and that most jobs are much less important. I wish I had had that inside myself then.
Susan Peterson
Pansy, I figure when God stops sending em, you'll be ready to move out of the "baby in the house" phase of life. Til then I think it's natural to want them and love them!
I certainly love having a baby in the house and would have had one consistently for the past 12 years, except God called my last baby home two years ago. We have been baby free for 2 years. And then, just to see how I'd feel about my new-found freedom, having kids 5 years old and older, who could handle a lot of stuff without me... He gave me another pregnancy. Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor!!!??
Oh, this is so familiar to this mama of 6 (ages 1 through 14). :) Oh, I wish I had more IRL friends who understood this kind of life as NORMAL.
JoAnn
Dinka,
My thoughts and feelings here are not about controveries in school decisions or a condemnation on those who do not homeschool. They are literally my thoughts and feelings on my choices. It is not to say anyone else has to or does share the same feelings.
There are reasons why I chose to do what I do and just as there are reasons why you would choose public school. I am sorry you felt resentful, but again, I did not mean to comdemn anyone and actually my thoughts in this post did not extend at all to anyone else.
I also wanted to comment that this post wasn't really about logic at all either, just about gut feelings. This is also in response to Martha who asked about my first item and family planning choices.
dani, i know. the resenting feelings are not for you. i just get exasperated with the "good catholic parents homeschool"-advice that i find all over the internet all the time.
like i said. i know you better than that. sorry i made you feel like you needed to explain.
Go fo it Pansy. If having a large family suits you and you obviously cope, do it. I think people should mind theri own buisness more and keep their opinions to themselves. I do get very tired of the anti child and family views I hear from a lot of people here in my country, Australia where the birth rate had dropped too much.
To be honest when I am told we have a large fmily (we have 3 kids), I laugh. You will find that you do get beyond the baby stage no matter how many kids you have. I am enjoying the fact that our youngest, a little boy of 4 is toilet trained and is a bit more useful and able to do some things for himself so I never want to got back to having babies as I have moved on. Hovewer I loved cuddling my little nieces and nephews as babies are very cuddly and cute.
I come from a family of 7 and as the eldest daughter did a lot for my mother as she needed the help and I think I did a fair bit of the child rearing along with my eldest brother of our younger siblings. So I never wanted a lot of kids for myself but that was my preference. but when people say that 3 kids is a big family I do think that they are just being silly. My husband comes from 4 and I often think it is sad that more younger paretns don't go beyond the two child stage or even one child.
Wow 5 children really is an achievement! I knew a family who had 7 children which for this day and age in the UK is pretty unusual. Those children were all very happy though and grew up to be beautiful, successful and well rounded people. They loved that they had so many siblings and in a way I am a bit jealous of their family.