and one more thing

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To all the people who've been asking me this month about when I'm going to have my "next" baby:

Stop. Please, just stop. I know you mean well, but it would really, really help me if you would just SHUT UP.

Either that, or don't get offended when I start avoiding you.

Thank you. That is all.

18 Comments

Take heart Peony, it's better than hearing, "you're not going to have any more are you?" which is what I've heard after the last 4 pregnancies!!!

Well, if people must be rude and make comments about the size of one's family, you're right that it's better that they think more are a good thing, not a bad thing.

But that doesn't make "so when are you going to have more" any easier to take. Especially when, as a newlywed, I once daydreamed about the snappy comments I would make to "you're not going to have any more are you?"

Perhaps I need to make myself more clear. "So when are you going to have more?" is not only rude, it's salt-in-the-wound painful. I have plenty of occasions to have my infertility rubbed in my face. I don't need to have "friends" rubbing it in as well.

Amen, sister!

As a mother of one, I feel your pain!

Ah, Peony, I'm really sorry. If I could shoulder the burden for you, I would.

When we were going through infertility, we kept it quiet because it was too hard and painful to explain over and over again...and we kept hoping for a miracle. My mom used to call me on my birthday (Oct), Christmas and Mother's Day and CRY on the phone because I wasn't giving her the grandchildren she wanted. You ever see that scene from "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" where Sandra Bullock is smashing the phone on the counter because she's so upset with her mom? I did that.

I'm afraid, dear, dear, Peony, that the only way to stop such comments is to become a lousy mother. Which you would never do. So people are always going to see what a great mom you are and they are always going to feel that you should be blessed with more. I know it makes your cross more difficult to bear, and I'm sorry for it.

I continue to pray for you on this issue, and I hope all these well-meaning people are, too.

--Sparki

the quick (and accurate) answer to that is "When God sees fit to send us another child" followed by a sigh of sadness.
the more honest response is to slug them one in a sore spot (which is what they just did to you, after all)
life is just so unfair.

I'm with Alicia...you could even say, "Hmmm...would you put in a word with God for me about that one?" Of course, that will lead some to ask more questions that you might not want to get into.

Sandy

Just curious, do these people KNOW that you are having infertility problems and STILL ask when you are going to have another one? Now THAT would be extremely insensitive, yes. Like they refuse to believe, just because you have one, that you can't truely be having problems, or something... And yet you are definitely NOT the only person I've met who could either only (miraculously?) have one, or only had two or three very spaced out. I agree with Alicia, the best answer to that is "When God sees fit..." with a sigh tacked on, can't be clearer than that... How old is Hambet now anyway?

We didn't conceieve for almost two years after we were married and most of our friends were on child 2 or 3. It was hard, but after our first conception ended in a miscarriage, we had had 5 going on 6 beautiful children and another miscarriage.

It wasn't until we had been married for a while that we found out that several of our friends who had only one or two had dangerous pregnancy complications or fertility issues.

I think that experiencing the sadness and doubt about having children for two years gave us some perspective on other people's problems and helped us avoid asking hurtful questions and making wrong assumptions.

I'm so sorry, peony. I HATE hate people asking/commenting on family size or number of children. It is always inappropriate or wrong. I wouldn't know what it feels like to be in your shoes, but I just can't understand how someone thinks it's ok to ask about one's conception plans. Nobody asks things like "So how much money do you guys spend on xyz each month?" or "How is your marriage going as far as fidelity is concerned?" or "When you and your husband are alone what do you talk about?"
NO ASKING ABOUT # of CHILDREN. PERIOD.

Feeling for you, Peony. That question is nasty, no matter what.

Just remember, your family is a model of the Holy Family. The most blessed and revered mother who ever walked this planet bore only one Son. And she is our perfect model of motherhood.

Hi Peony

I think minding other people's business for them is the nature of the human beast. A close friend who has had infertility problems said that she got very tired of people asking when she was going to have kids when she and her husband had been trying and nothing happened. After going throught the whole IVF cirus she finaly conceived a son naturally and she has only had the one and yes the questions started up about when she would have the next.

For myself I have been asked by complete strangers why I have such big gaps between my children, 3 kids 5 years apart, think
3 miscarraiges. Or at work is my last child, a boy the child of a second husband, sorry to diappoint all three are from the same father and orignal model husband. I intend to have my next six with my future mail order bridegroom. Most sticky beak questions are asked by other women and yes I am guilty of the same.

I now has a response to people who ask if I will have any more children. I say that I still have another seven to go to meet the Vatican quota which at my age of nearly 45 will not happen but it shuts them up. So get a stock joke response and the sticky beaks do not know how to respond

Is 10 really the Vatican quota? And why do they have a quota in the first place,... isn't having a quota also a bit insensitive? I mean not only are there infertile and less fertile couples out there, there are also couples who marry late in life, women who have frequent miscarriages, or very hard pregnancies, or couples who just can't have that many children for other reasons, why have a quota at all? Even if it is only a suggestion.

Jeanne, I think she was joking about the "vatican quota"--playing to this belief that the Catholic Church wants you to have "as many children as possible". :)
--Amanda

Oh ok, just that that wasn't the first I'd heard about a "suggested number" of children, although I think I'd heard it was 6, not 10! OK, phew! I guess it is time for me to lighten up! :)

I hear ya, but it's a durn sight better'n the OTHER question/comment my wife and I (four kids) get:
1) Had enough?
2) When ya gonna stop?
3) There's a cure for that, you know.

In your case, the people have a good heart. But I understand the annoyance.

Gotta love the extreames that questions about family size run! I loved hearing while PG, "a third? but you had a boy and a girl?" from the non-churchy crowd and, "well, it took you long enough,I mean 4 years apart, your getting older, they'll have to be closer" from the churchy crowd. Honestly, both made me cry. Now with 3 and not knowing if God will provide for us to have more, I dread the questions that I expect to start any day now, after all, baby is 1. Sigh.

It really just comes down to the fact that it's no one else's business and they really ought to keep their mouths shut. You could say, "please mind your own business." I don't think it would be rude either.

Poor Deb, yes, talk about extremes... I can believe the comments from the non-church crowd, although 3 children isn't a heck of a lot... but I have an even harder time understanding the comments from the church crowd... I can understand people being curious, I get people asking me all the time if I think I'll have more, (and I must shamefully admit I have previously been guilty of asking people about children myself, and once asked one of my cousins who'd been married two years and had none, if they wanted children, not really caring either way myself, only out of curiosity, and got the answer that she was infertile, which shut me up in a hurry, I felt so bad.) and I don't mind curiosity so much, but I had one who blatantly told me "I hope that's the last one!" just this past week (I'm 30 weeks pregnant with my fifth) and although I didn't let on, I really hated that. Before I got pregnant again, I had a lady tell me that she was really sorry for me, because I had just told her that I had four children. My answer? A firm and definite "I'm not."

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