An Opinion on Family

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My father-in-law and mother-in-law continue to lecture my husband that we need to put the kids in school so I can go to work, and we need to stop having children. Now mind you, they have no reason to give us this unsolicited advice, meaning they do not give us any money, let alone even Christmas gifts. They do not visit. My father-in-law has never even paid child support. My mother-in-law likes to have live-in boyfriends who stole thousands of dollars of my husbands childhood collectibles he had stored in her basement to sell for drugs.

Soooo, would it be totally innappropriate next time they give unsolcitited advice to shut them up say:

to my father-in-law: "why don't you marry your live-in girlfriend and stop shacking up like you are twenty already, pay something towards the support of your only child, and then we will consider moral and economic advice from you,"

to my mother-in-law: "why don't you stop sleeping around with drug addicts who steal from us, stop getting your car repoed, and then we will consider moral and economic advice from you,"

Granted, I know, you can't really say the child support thing as my husband is a grown man. But I love the way people comment and scrutinize our lives when their own lives have much more to scrutinize...and we wouldn't dream of getting into their business as much as they do ours.

13 Comments

But it's so much easier to criticize other people than to examine one's own life -- particularly when those other people are relatives who you know are too polite to tell you to MOYB, so you've got a "captive audience."

My MIL is difficult sometimes, but I've got to give her credit -- she never, ever meddles and she never badmouths her other DIL. The strongest unsolicited advice we've ever gotten from her was when she told us we ought to take a vacation this summer.

People clinging to the darkness hate the light. It might shine on them, and then they'd have to see and examine their sins. Simple as that.

I get this BS from my extended family sometimes -- but I'm not as nice as you and let them have it. God forgive me my lack of self-control!

There are charitable albeit witty ways of telling people off which, if done well, may make them stop sticking their nose in your business and make them examine themselves, too.

But if they go on giving you unsolicited advice, it's always safe to assume that your words hit home and made them think, even if it doesn't show.

I'm sure all this patience you are practising towards your in-laws are storing treasures for you where it matters ;-)

I say let'em have it. :)

The strongest unsolicited advice we've ever gotten from her was when she told us we ought to take a vacation this summer.

ROFLOL!

There are charitable albeit witty ways of telling people off which, if done well,

I know. I don't think I would really say the things I wrote here (although, I am getting there after 12 years).Those charitable explanations as to why we do what we do. My mother-in-law is very crude (only finds humor in bathroom and sex jokes and is loud). I don't think she hears anything unless you use her style delivery.

My FIL on other hand is not as crude in manor, but is the most boring person on the face of the earth. All he talks about is money. And it is never useful, like tips on saving. It is always "I just bought $4800 rims for my car; I just took a trip down to St. Thomas for a weekend and got a great deal on this Rolex for $4000;" If you are with him for 48 hours, you will get that for 48 hours interspersed with criticisms of our lifestyle because we have not made financially selfish choices. "Why would you have a prepaid cellphone? Why do you have to budget grocery money? I hate this lifestyle" Then of course some great stories about people in the family that are "great mothers" because after having 3 kids by 3 different men and never raising anyone, how his girlfriend's daughter managed to have a the third by a guy who owns a hair salon.

Wow. I'll give it to you -- your horizons indeed expand because of the conversations you've had with your in-laws! Of course, I can only imagine what it must be like to talk with someone like your FIL for 48 straight hours (I know someone who has tendencies that sound like his, but I've had to spend a maximum of only about 10 hours at a time with him). Hehe.

Let me clarify: so owning a prepaid cellphone indicates more poverty than wealth? I asked just to make sure. I guess over here it's almost the same because it is really a responsibility to have a line instead of using prepaid cards for one's cellphone. The difference is, in my country MAJORITY OF THE PEOPLE use prepaid cards for their cellphones! So I feel right at home ;-) And not to mention, it's more practical.

I'd say your suggested approach is all wrong- give 'em the sulphrous coals speech- and how you've opted for life everlasting. I'd definately mention "What shall it profit a man that he gain the whole world yet lose his immortal soul" to your FIL.

Best- Gabriel

Let me clarify: so owning a prepaid cellphone indicates more poverty than wealth?

You know I don't even know. But he lectures us about this stuff without even saying "does that work out better for you?" To us it meant a cell phone, yet no bills. We did this for years. We actually have a regular one now because we found a plan that is cheaper than what we were doing at this time in our life, but that is not the point.

Depending on how hurtful they are to your children, you might have to severely limit their exposure to them.

I did it with my own mother - her lifestyle, her remarks, her "jokes", her suggestions, her beliefes, what she holds dear, etc. - were so bad and so intentionally hurtful to myself, my husband and my children that I realized the most charitable thing to do would be to disallow her from doing major damage to her own soul by not being around her to trigger these episodes.

I realized that my life, my beliefs and my values angered her so much (they kept reminding her that there really is a right and wrong and it made her so angry) that she couldn't help but lash out at us in whatever way she could.

And some stuff you can't hide from kids - especially when she couldn't get a rise out of me anymore so started in on them. Eventually the children know something's up and will figure out sooner or later that you either want to protect them or you won't protect them from someone who wants to hurt them.

As hard as it is - remember, this is my own mother - there is great peace that comes with doing the right thing. For all concerned.

Mary's DD,
You know, it is an very intereasting thought because what I think fueled this lately is summer is coming. MY dh's grandmother is coming to visit my MIL, and she is taking a week off. She would like the children to visit. Of course at first it sounded like a good idea because they will see their grandmother and great-grandmother (who they rarely see) and she will pack the week with all sorts of fun activities like going to the shore. But as my husband has been in a bit more communication with her to firm up these plans, "suggestions" keep cropping up. I am seriously doubting I approve of the visit, but I really wish the visit would just have some boundaries that respect our views.

But like you said, she is very angry and loves to lash out at us. Part of me thinks the best defense is simply ignoring her, but I wish certain "over-the-line" things would stop.

Wow. Hubby and I have prepaid cell phones. So that means we're poor?

Peony,
You know what it is, whenever we talk about little things we do in our lives to budget and cut back, he is disgusted. One time he even said as much "I hate this lifestyle of yours". So doing something because we have to be accountable for our money is what he hates. Why, I dunno.

Have you tried just laughing when they inflict these opinions on you? I mean just laugh out loud right then and there. If they ask what you're laughing at, just say something about the incongruity of someone living their lifestyle giving moral and financial advice to someone endeavoring to live a very different lifestyle. Keep it light and friendly -- amused rather than sarcastic. Easier said than done, I know. BTW, the above posters have great advice about limiting your kids' exposure if that's necessary. Prayers for you and yours going up ....

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