A few days ago, USA Today ran an article about an op-ed written by a woman who claims her kids are boring. Actually, if I am correct, she stated her kids are boring, not motherhood? I am not sure.
Freelance journalist Helen Kirwan-Taylor, 42, hit a nerve after the Daily Mail tabloid on Wednesday published her first-person essay under the headline, "Sorry, but my children bore me to death!"Kirwan-Taylor, the mother of two boys, Constantin, 12, and Ivan, 10, says many tasks associated with motherhood are tedious and boring. She'd rather go shopping or have her hair done than attend another child's birthday party. When she takes her kids to movies, she spends the two hours text-messaging friends on her cellphone. She says that when her children were young, she became a workaholic to avoid having to spend time with them. She begged the nanny to read them bedtime stories
(According to the article, I am late in the Mommy Blogosphere to get in on this act, but who cares. I just read the article yesterday and it has been on my mind since.)
The article is more about the response to her article: some people are outraged; others feel she is a trailblazer.
Now, I am an opinionated AP SAHM Mom. However, I think her feelings are right on target. What woman would not rather be having a pedicure than, well anything else? Housewifery is boring. Not only is it boring, it is underappreciated by everybody. You aren’t paid, no one tells you how clever and intelligent you are for alphabetizing the pantry, and kids mess up just what you cleaned up.
Moreover, it is darn lonely.
In addition, kids are somewhat boring. They are kids. In life, most people you do not have common interests with are not boring. Frankly there would be something wrong with me as a 33-year-old woman if I got all excited like my 10-year-old son about the next Resident Evil coming out. To be fair, Posco is not fighting with me over my GK Chesterton book either. (Although I think, this author may have a bit more in common with her twelve year old if she spends hours at a time text messaging her friends. That is a bit juvenile to me.)
Nevertheless, here’s the rub: feeling is one thing, but responsibility is another. Dinner has to be cooked, diapers need to be changed, and books have to be read. I think one of the things that makes someone “responsible” is doing the things you need to when you really, really don’t want to. The difference between a good mother and a bad mother is not if you just love changing diapers or if you hate changing diapers. Regardless of how you feel, the diapers need to be changed. Not changing the diapers because you admit you are in touch with your true feelings of the situation does not make you some kind of pioneer for women’s rights; it makes you a bad mother.
I agree, Pansy. No, I don't feel exhilarated or deliriously happy doing many of the things I do as a SAHM, but these things need to be done, and it is the love I feel for the children that makes me all the more equipped to grin and bear it. This woman actually took on more work just to avoid her children. I won't even go into the text messaging thing. Ugh! That definitely goes overboard. And getting your nanny to read your children a book?!? Yikes. I know her eldest child has appeared with her at interviews, defending his Mom, but it's got to feel rotten to know just how much your Mom dislikes spending time with you. How so very sad. :(
Yeah, I agree too, motherhood can be very lonely. I hate going to the park, because I have nothing to do, and feels like a big waste of time, but go to a park with a couple of other Mommies and their kids? Different story.
Text messaging during movies? But movies are one of the FUN things about motherhood!! (Unless, I guess, you choose the painfully boring ones)
Oh, and I have a 12 year old son, with whom I actually ENJOY spending time. Sure, sometimes he bores me to death with his endless monologues about the in depth details of different kinds of soldiers, what each does and how strong it is, etc, etc,... but we can actually have a lot of fun together.
AH but motherhood is hard work and it's never done, there's always a mountain somewhere to attack, if you catch up on the dishes, then it's the laundry, or the mending or the dusting, or the floors, or...
Oh, forgot to mention, she forgot the physical drawbacks to motherhood...
The migraines, the gas, the saggy belly,... all of which seem to worsen with age/additional pregnancies...
I just developed a new theory. I'm shooting from the hip on this one, but here goes:
Women with hyphenated last names are exponentially more likely to write "My Kids Are Boring" blather pieces in USA Today than women with non-hyphenated last names.
Or am I stating the obvious?
Responsibility. What seperates the women from the girls. I wish it was fun, interesting, intellectual work. It isn't. I'm good at intellectual work. I'm horrible at housework, I don't have a lot of patience, and I know that there are much better mothers out there. There are times when I think day care would be a much better option. It can't get a whole lot worse than me, right?
Not that I'll ever convince my husband of that....
Whenever I read sentiments like those of Mrs. Kirwan-Taylor--or when I think them about anything, not just childrearing--I remember that throughout human history most people have been subsistence farmers barely scratching a living from the soil, with almost no choices or prospects in life. Their lives were, and are, dull, hard, unfair, and unchanging. Mrs. Kirwan-Taylor, who is rich enough to afford a nanny, is so much better off than almost all the people who have ever lived on earth; so am I. Compared to their lives, ours are filled with interest, easy, and endlessly varied, even at their worst moments. But they are also unfair. Mrs. Kirwan-Taylor and I have done nothing to deserve the privileged position we share. It is all pure gift, and to complain about it is the height of ingratitude.
[Lest anyone think I have no standing here, I was a single father for 10 years and virtually one for several years before that. For a couple of those I was also staying at home because of unemployment. Some people think I have suffered. Compared to the average human being, I have suffered nothing.]
Well everyone has stated the obvious about this looney woman. Nevertheless hers is a twisted response to a very real pressure on all moms to be SO INTO their kids and everything kid-related blabla because well, if you don't enjoy kids every single minute you chose the wrong job, no? I am so bored by the moms clubs and mommy groups and all supposedly we want to talk about is the newest baby food and the cheapest baby clothes and the newest findings... ugh. I don't, but the mommies i meet usually do. How come there is never a balanced view of a mother? It's either the intellectually ignorant breeder with mom jeans and outdated hair but totally on top with all the newest findings about childhood allergies OR it's the loathsome selfish mom who hates everything in primary colors and wants constant pat on her back for having provided her uterus for gestation.
Blah. What else is new?
I stopped going to any Mom's groups 13 years ago for that reason. I stopped reading boring magazines like "Child", "Parents" and "Parenting" for the same reason.
Yesterday I saw a Tide commercial that said "don't small like a Mom, smell like a woman, because a Mom is a woman too" I was so insulted by the whole notion that they are seperate.
It's either the intellectually ignorant breeder with mom jeans and outdated hair but totally on top with all the newest findings about childhood allergies
I think there is this stereotypical fantasy that there are only certain people born to be Moms, and they fit the above description. If you do not fit the description, then that gives you some free pass to behave like the woman above: "My kids are fed, I just can't do the rest because I wasn't cut out for this"
Well, to be frank, I'm not a big fan of the play groups and Mommy get-togethers either. And I do find a lot of the talk dull. But when I do partake (which is not all that often), I do so more for the kids than for me. I'm perfectly content with my own circle of friends at present, so my motivation in taking part in any such group comes from an entirely different side. That said, I have met one or two kindred spirits in the process, and these are the sorts of people with which I'm more wont to discuss all matter of things. I've had better luck finding people amenable to discussion on every topic under the sun while online, but that's another story.
I think that any extreme is completely ridiculous. I do think that the child-centered thing, in the way the journalist in question seems to understand it, is something that I find completely foreign. And I'm one of those baby-wearing, co-sleeping, etc., etc., kind of moms. Yet I'm usually a "whatever floats your boat" sort of a person and I'm not likely to broadcast my general views on parenting (unless I'm pressed ;) ). I mean, sure, I'm with my children most of the time, but I'm not actively engaged with them every second of the day. I'd hate to think what that would do to my opportunities for online chatting! ;) lol Currently, my children are happily pursuing their own individual interests. And yet I'm otherwise engaged. Being present with and for your children doesn't have to be as suffocating as this woman apparently thinks it is.
But yes, of course, I agree with all of you. I may loathe the park, and even cringe at the thought of hosting a play date, but I'll succumb to it, and nine times out of ten, I'm happy to do it (um, i.e. after the fact). lol
Yesterday I saw a Tide commercial that said "don't smell like a Mom, smell like a woman, because a Mom is a woman too" I was so insulted by the whole notion that they are separate.
I saw that one a couple of days ago and was equally insulted...
Like smelling like a mom was a bad thing. Like Moms actually smell bad, or even different... Where did that idea come from?
+JMJ+
Have you seen the follow up article?
The Trouble with Nannies
Apparently, the first one was such a roaring success that this "poor" mother was inspired to complain about her nannies making her already boring life a living hell.
I don't even want to guess what a third article would be about.
That article was horrible! I don't even know where to begin.
That last article on the nanny situation made my blood boil. The woman is obviously a crackpot.
Summer Makes the Mommy Boredem worse!I'm just glad I'm not the only one who is bored. I love my kids they are interesting, but, as a younger mommy, there is a lot out there more fun and interesting than nursing and potty training. But when I die, is it the fun I had that will be noticed, or how I served and sacrificed? Makes the choice a bit easier.
Oh, it's that time of year...nearing the end of summer. It's when you see those commercials where parents are gleefully dancing around office supply stores, giddy at the thought that in a few short weeks their children will be out of their hair for several hours each day in school.
I'm sorry, I just don't get it. I like my kids, really, I do. I think that's one reason we have so many of them and why we decided to homeschool. Granted, they do drive me nuts at times because of how they tend to treat one another, but those times are fleeting.
We were at a team dinner the other night, and I was sitting down near the boys on the team. One mom asked me, "Are you sure you want to sit down by the kids?" Heck, yes! They were a hell of a lot more entertaining than the adults, who couldn't seem to get past gossip.
And, gee whiz, why does motherhood have the stigma of being intellectually vacant? Those who are good at it are using the intellects continually, finding ways not only to keep children from being bored/boring, but also to find solutions to interpersonal problems and foster good relationships. It's a heck of a lot easier to yell and scream at your kids to cut out whatever it is that's negative (of which I am guilty at times). It's more intellectually challenging to meet the demands of parenting in creative, gentle, and intelligent ways.
I feel sorry for people whose kids bore them because they aren't giving themselves a chance to really get to know what makes their child tick.
The ironic thing is that her nannies sound a lot like her.
Hi all you SAHMS (whether AP or not), and you ladies who hope to be in the future.
I was just surfing the web looking for something, and I came upon this wonderful comments section.
I don't know how much I can type here, cause I'm blind and can't see where the text box ends.
But here's my heart on this.
to all you mommies who feel under appreciated, let me just say that this man loves you all sooooo much!!! This mothering thing you're doing is the most important job in the world.
When I was 4, my mom had to go to work, cause dad left her and I alone.
She was a great mom, but she had alot of emotional issues. I'm blind cause of my premature birth so they gave me too much oxygene, just to keep me alive.
Anyway, I never felt close to her. All I can say is, do little boys need their mommy? You beth they do, so do little girleys as well.
Anyway, back to my 4 year old story. I had a baby sitter named Dianne. She really cared about us little ones. I was a very very late potty trainer, I just couldn't get it, it just couldn't, and I wasn't ready to grow up yet and be a big boy in my body or emotions. I world was coming apart.
But I'll never forget Dianne. She loved changing me, I'll never forget how she did it. I couldn't see her face, but I knew she loved doing it, and I didn't feel like a burden to her. I didn't want to go home sometimes. I knew she loved changing and caring for me, just by her tone-of-voice, and how she touched me as well. little ones know when they're a burden and when they're not, and to Dianne, I wasn't . Her little son Steven, was my age, and still in diapers and rubber panties too. She let us walk around the house like that, for easier changes.
I wish I could reach through this keyboard and take you mommies in my arms (especially if you're not married or dating, cause I wouldn't want to mess up any marriages here), and just tell you how much I love you and thank you for just being a mommy.
So, when you feel alone, and on days when you think nobody cares how many diapers you have changed, just know that you have a little one who desperately needs you, and nobody can mother like you can.
I'll close with this story.
Dr. Laura, (I don't always agree with her, but I sure do on this), said this story. "here's an email from a listener. ""I use to think you were crazy on your views about daycare till last night. At 2AM I heard my little boy crying in his room, and I went in, and he said, "no work mommy, no work, no work!!!!"
I took him in my arms, and said, "ok honey, mommy now understands, and mommy will stay home and take care of you, I know how badly you need me now."""
I wasn't this little boy, but I could have been this little boy. My mom never knew me, she never knew what I was afraid of.
I am a Christian single man, and I believe in prayer. I have ben praying for a special lady to help me and care for me. I still have to wear diapers and rubber panties at night due to my birth defect cause all my inside muscles are like baby muscles.
I asked God "why don't you heal me of what I went through as a little child?" He told me, "Harry, 2 reasons:
1. You're gonna be healed through a woman coming into your life and caring for your needs, the way it should have been in your childhood.
2. I will use what happened to you in your childhood, (both the good and bad parts of it), for you to help mommies help their children with potty training and bed wetting issues, and you'll do care in your home, (you and your future wife), for children who have presently, the same problem, either potty training late, or, bed wetting.
So, I'm proud of all you ladies here who care for those little ones. I just hope you know how much they need you. Very few daycares can do what you do, I mean very few.
There are ladies like Dianne out there, but it's probably 1 in 1000.
Hugs too all of you.
Harry, PS, please give your little ones a long hug and kiss, and a baby rub down, or massage, they need it, mommy.