Pansy: November 2006 Archives

Yesterday, I was with Matthew at his toddler art class. The attendance is come when you want and pay $5. We are regulars because Matthew loves art. One other lady with her son is also a weekly fixture. She and I are both pregnant.

Yesterday, another lady and her adorable little girl joined us. She joked that she felt out of place among the bellies. The other mother remarked that it was time for her to have another. To that she made a general announcement to the room "Oh no! You see, I have three, so I am done!" At first, I thought she was expecting the "Gasp, three kids?" reaction, so I just smiled inwardly to myself. However, afterwards is where it got a bit awkward, and I know everyone can relate. She went on to say her husband got himself "taken care of".

In the title, I asked, "what do you do”, but that is a rhetorical question. I am sure every one (except Erik maybe) just nods, smiles and starts counting the minutes before it is time to leave.

The conversation went on where everyone shared their sterilization stories, if not of them, people they knew. The other pregnant lady remarked that she thinks she would be too afraid to do something so permanent. The only thing I added to the conversation was the reply “yeah, I wouldn’t”.

Crickets.

I think I am not alone in how baffling it is that people are so willing to speak about their contraceptive choices in such public forums. I mean, even without getting into the details of “we use NFP” or whatever, just making the statement “Oh no, I’m done! chuckle, chuckle” seems like such a bizarre, personal sentiment to announce among strangers. The first thing I read into it is ‘oh, these kids drive me nuts-you think I want more like them?” I really don’t mean to make the harshest assumption, and I know they are being “light”, but honestly, that is what I read mostly because I don’t know them. The other reason why I get this is people usually offer this information-I don’t ask because my mindset is never really in an “I’m done” place. I’ll be with other parents talking about the weather or whatever and hear “Wow, that’s some family you got! I wanted more, but then my kids drove me nuts and two was enough.”

“Oh”

Every time I get out in the real world, I am so baffled not by how common contracepting is, but how abnormal and counter cultural it is not to have thoughts of limiting your family size on the forefront of your mind. I am not accusing people of being ‘obsessed”, but it has become so common to talk about limiting family size, devices, prescriptions etc in the parking lot when I don’t even have these conversations with my mother. Why is that?

Why has it become acceptable for people to offer unsolicited advice about too many children, but never offer unsolicited advice about how to fix my van for cheaper? The second one is too personal I think.

I am 37 weeks and 1 day today. I am having some small indications that labor might be commencing sooner rather than later. I am kind of not ready for sooner and hoping God holds off a bit. My birth kit is coming tomorrow, I have to get the tub, diapers, and figure out a name for a boy in case it's a boy baby...

It seemed like a few days ago I had all the time in the world, now it doesn't seem like that.

I realized today why I stopped reading this genre of magazine. I was looking through the Parents Magazine website to read baby stuff, and I came across this article titled Are You A Discipline Wimp?, followed by the quiz Are You A Pushover Parent?

Please tell me I am not alone in that I would rather drink lava then read these articles. They go on to describe typical situations that happen when mothers are tired or fed up one night, and how doing the easy thing makes you a bad parent.

I was rushing to get dinner ready one night when I heard my son playing basketball in the living room. From the kitchen, I yelled, "You know the rules -- the basketball is an outdoor toy!"

"But, Mom, it's snowing!"

"I said stop it! You might break a window."

"I'll be careful!" he insisted.

You know what I did? Nothing. I just didn't have the energy for a fight, so I ignored the thump-thumping of the ball, focused on getting food on the table, and prayed that my son wouldn't smash anything.

Bad tactic. By wimping out, I may have avoided a conflict in the short run, but I was only setting myself up for others...

Yes I agree, bad move. Nevertheless, please, please don't tell me this woman, or ahem, me, are the only humans on the planet that have responded in such a manner when they are at the end of their rope.

For along time I avoided these publications after I had like three children, when life became less of "by the book" event and more of using what you had at your disposal to get by. The more I read, the crappier and guiltier I felt. It didn't occur to me until the last few days that perhaps there are very few people who feel good by reading articles with titles such as "Are You a Discipline Wimp?" These magazines seem to imply that good parents have homes that run smoothly despite any obstacle that may be encountered, and bad parents are the ones who are too emotional and barbaric to just react sometimes due to lack of sleep.

No, I am not saying there is nothing valuable about this type of magazine. I’m just not sure why it has taken me 13 years of being a mother to understand that being a mother does not mean being inhuman. I am also not sure why everything reinforces a stereotype that motherhood should mean superhuman unless it comes to abortion, birth control or returning to work and putting kids in daycare. Only in those scenarios do women get a pass for “doing what they can do”.

By the way, before any thinks my point is to advocate raising barbarians who I throw raw meat at and allow to swing from my ceiling fan; that is not it at all. When I was a new mother, I was more inclined to fall into the above trap with my oldest. As time went on, becoming not such a “discipline wimp” has become second nature. Believe it or not, there is a learning curve, like with everything else new. Not having it all down pat, the second you bring home baby #1 is also not indicative of being a horrible mother. It means there are new skills to be acquired.

I will miss him terribly this Thanksgiving.
This is a picture he emailed me today with Gunney R. Lee Ermey.

Yesterday, breastfeeding Moms across America staged a protest at airports due to the fact a nursing mother was kicked off an airplane for nursing in public.

As always I am baffled. Why is country so "forward thinking" when it comes to issues of immorality, and backwards when it comes to issues of child-rearing and motherhood?

I heard arguments on the O'Reilly Factor yesterday:
"the mother was offered a blanket to 'cover up' which was reasonable, yet she rejected it"
"no one is saying mother's should not breastfeed, just maybe not in public."
"People need to care about other people's sensibilities"
"The child was 22 months old at the time which is really old to be nursing."

I am so annoyed and disgusted on so many levels, and if I continue to blog, I will say some really stupid things.

Ok, I am going to go on anyway. Do these people who take issue with nursing in public have any inkling of what is involved in taking care of, comforting, and having a loving a relationship with an infant/toddler?

let us remember our loved ones serving in the military stationed overseas who cannot be with their families.

This weekend we went to the movies to see Happy Feet. I was looking forward to it. Penguins, dance numbers, music, PG rating, what more could a movie have to entertain the senses? Well for one, more dancing and singing penguins. I was disappointed. Instead, what I got was mostly long-ass public service announcements about living a politically correct, ecology friendly lifestyles blah, blah, blah.

My family of course thinks I am a wet blanket and I always just have to get annoyed at the political messages, but I asked them "were the messages there or not?" They were. So I can be insulted if I want to. Still, I suppose if you are not fed up and cynical with that sort of thing, you might truly enjoy the film.

If you do not want to hear me whine, I think the Kansas City Star's review is quite accurate:

But despite a great look and some nifty action sequences, this computer-animated effort doesn’t click. It piles lots of contemporary issues on what should be a simple children’s fable and becomes an overlong, emotionally muted and tiresome epic.

It wasn't just "ecology" lessons involved. There were other undertones, such as the elders who wouldn't stray from their old ways, and kept referring to foreigners as "pagans". Yawn

I think what bothers me most is not the message itself that they are trying to get across (well yeah, a little), but the fact that every childfren's movie, or TV show or whatever cannot just be entertaining anymore. That someone out there truly feels we have to be politically educated every single minute of everyday or else something horrible happen. I wouldn't mind as much if they inundated our children with times tables as they political correctness.

You know though. I mean is everyone in the general IQ all so stupid all the time that we need one more message about the environment or how terrible calling people bad names is?

I thought not, but you know what? I was wrong! Especially for a Catholic! Bishop Katharine Schori says so! (I had to throw that in).

Update:Michael Medved's review

It seems almost none of us were out voting yesterday.

This is his "self-portrait" (in other words what happens when the 2-year old gets a hold of the camera.) If he were of age, this would make a good My Space picture.

This is how I always think of him-as a little, fat baby.

anyone see Ghost Hunters live last night/this morning?

Each day I start out positive and go through what needs to be done in my head. I get up super early, take my shower, blood sugar, and prenatal vitamin, clean the bathroom, start laundry, do my own school work and lay out the kids’ clothes! My daily "To Do" list is written out and look how much I have crosed out! Wow! What a great start! Before I verbally do so, I start delegating the kid’s jobs:
"Fastolph, start your math work, there it is,”

“Posco, make you bed, and get your English, and can you get out the crayons for Fastolph's math assignment for me please?"

I dress the baby, wash breakfast dishes, put supper in the crock-pot. What a great day it is going to be! Today is the day I will get everything done that I intended. Not like yesterday or the day before that or the day before that…

It starts when Fastolph goes to his room to get dressed and never does. I have no idea what he does do. His clothes are laid out, but he wanders back in still in his pajamas. So we start the “Fastolph get dressed” wars. In the meantime Posco who is dressed and up, goes through the samething with school work. “Posco, start your math work” and he goes to the bathroom. “Posco, start your math work” and he sits at the table, to my satisfaction and 3 minutes later he is up wrestling with an still pajamaed Fastolph on the floor.

Now I start to slowly simmer. I pick up Fastolph and put him in his room and tell him to get dressed. His younger brother starts following him in his room, and I hear giggles. Toddler giggles are usually a pleasant sound, but at the moment, it might as well be IRS at the door. OK, not that bad, but you get the picture. I tell Posco to start his work yet again, and next thing I know Fredegar is up and Posco is sitting with him at the table letting him break crayons in two because it makes him happy. Now am I not only annoyed with the fact no one is doing what I asked, and my perfect day is going down the tubes, and no one is going to be educated and they will end up being illiterate, but this is third box of crayons I have purchased in the past 3 months and they keep disappearing! I put them in gallon bags, I put them up high. I have special kiddy crayons and I keep having to buy more!

Now the giggling in the middle boy’s room is getting intense and I go in there, and not only has Fastolph not gotten dressed, they have stripped their bed to hide in the blankets.

I look at the clock and it is time to get Sleeping Beauty up. The last thing I need ia dose of evil, but that is what I get: “I’m up! It’s too early!” Now like everyone else, her job is get up, make her bed, get dressed, eat and start school. This is the same routine since the establishment of the Upstate Moss household. But to every child it is surprise. Get dressed? In the morning? The oppression! She slowly wanders up, meanders to the dining room in her pajamas, and reads “Dear Abby”. She makes some comments about the current dilemma, which are usually both funny and insightful, but I am annoyed because she knows she is not supposed to be reading “Dear Abby”, nor have I had the opportunity to do so! Instead of taking the moment to bond with her, I snap at her about “yes, Rosey, but what are you supposed to be doing now?”

In the meantime, Fastolph manages to come out semi-dressed, but not in the clothes I neatly laid out for him, but in shorts and one sock.
“What are you wearing?”
“I dunno, this was all I could find!”
“Get the clothes I gave you!”

Back to his room and more blankets and giggling.

So after a day of planned 7 lessons for each child, Fastolph gets 3. I have managed to wash the sheets of 1 bed instead of 2. Instead of the full meal I had planned for dinner plus dessert, I am usually short a side dish and/or the dessert.

One load of laundry gets left in the dryer overnight instead of getting put away.

Please, please, please tell me I am not alone and other Moms who have been there have managed to raise decent children.