Parenting and Family Life: October 2003 Archives

Catholics United for the Faith's tract "All Hallows Eve" (requires Adobe Reader)

...Are we compromising our religious beliefs and principles by letting our children, even if innocently, dabble in something that has its origins in evil? As Catholic families, what is our obligation to be consistent and true to our faith?...[more...]

Thanks Karen for the link.

I got an email yesterday saying our homeschooling group is having an All Saint's Party on Saturday in Fonda. Ack, I so do not have any costumes ready because I did not know there would be a party this year until yesterday. Anybody have any ideas for quick, cheap and easy saint costume ideas. I have a ten year old girl whose favourite saint is St. Agnes and eight year old boy and four year old boy. I am going to spare the baby and adults.

if I invented a giant hamster wheel to put my kids in when they seem like they need to burn some sreious energy, it would sell? Very AP, don't you think?

My parents tell that when they were small,all summer long they were left to their own devices to roam the streets and the play grounds of The City at a very young age. When I was 5, I started walking to school on my own in a not so great section of Trenton. I am 10 years older than my oldest brother, and by the time it was time for him to get to school, he was shuttled back and forth by car at a much shorter distance in a suburban area. What changed between then and now? I certainly would never allow a five year old of mine to walk to school by themselves when we lived in Albany. But while I am keeping them safe, my kids seem to be real pinheads when it comes to having any street smarts.

So what came first, did people decide sheltering kids more was a more responsible trend in parenting, or did things just get worse? Maybe a little of both, but more so of the second option. When my parents were children, there was not the horrible dangers we see of the drug culture. My mother also talks about growing up in Harlem when all the neighbors would watch out for each others kids. The flip side is my parents tell me when their parents went to work for summer vacation they would simply drop the kids off at the playground all day. I cannot imagine anyone doing something like that today.

While I think we could all agree leaving kids on the playground to fend for themselves , or even letting 5 year olds walk to school on their own is not idyllic, my brothers and my children seem to lack a great deal of simple street smarts. I am really worried about them. When we go to the Mall, for example, my oldest does not have a sense in what is going on around her. Frankly, I do not know how to teach lessons of basic survival skills in public. It seems to me it is something you learn from experience. However, I am not sure I want to throw my children into situations that teach certain experiences.

I know, I worry a lot about how my children will turn out. But I keep feeling we live in such deceptive times where it is hard to gauge right from wrong, and so much of my job as a Mom is contemplating what the real right thing to do is.

I wrote this like a year ago on MWG...

Also, let me say what AP'ing means to me. It is not a checklist "I co-sleep, check, I have my trusty official 'AP Certified Mom Sling', check, I breastfeed, check..." but it is a philosophy that when you bring a baby into this world, your life changes to lovingly accommodate this person, instead of making this person try to conveniently fit into your life-like trying to put a square peg into a round hole. I don't think our contraceptive culture is very friendly to that type of nurturing. Instead after people finally decide they can have children, then they schedule them and say they are "good" because they are trained to just sit there.

...asks Elinor, in our comments box below.

The short answer: "AP" stands for "attachment parenting."

Pansy and Gorbulas

And the long answer:

Attachment parenting is an approach to raising infants and young children that places a strong emphasis on responding to a baby's needs and fostering a strong, trusting bond between the baby and his parents. Dr. William Sears and his wife Martha (the parents of eight children) are probably AP's most famous faces, but I actually started learning about the AP approach through the writing of Sheila Kippley of the Couple to Couple League. The La Leche League has been advocating this approach for years. There's also some Catholic therapist guy out there with a blog who has written a book and other articles that include information on the AP approach, which he aptly describes as "natural law parenting."

The premise of attachment parenting is that tiny infants need their parents, especially their mothers. (Yes, it does seem strange that we need a parenting book to tell us this, but these are the crazy times we live in....) It rejects the idea that babies cry to "manipulate" their parents.

Some highlights of attachment parenting include breastfeeding "on demand" (i.e., feeding the baby when he's hungry, not just when you think he should be hungry), holding and cuddling the baby when he cries (instead of leaving him to "cry it out"), using a sling or other babywearing gizmo, and sharing sleep.

St. Bloggers who are interested in the AP approach include Alicia the midwife, Davey's mommy and daddy, Dinka, M'Lynn, the Popcaks, Sparki,and Smockmomma (can't speak for the other Summas yet.) (This list was right off the top of my head; apologies in advance to anyone who should be on the list and isn't!)

Mothering with Grace is a website for Catholic moms interested in AP.

UPDATE: Add Bobbi to the list of AP St Blogger's. She also has a list of AP links.

Gorbulas giggles in his sleep. I wonder what he dreams about. I am happy that he has pleasant dreams.

Rosey Posey asked me "Mom, what are leg warmers?"
"Are you watching something from the early eighties? They keep your legs warm."
"Yes, that girl working out was wearing leg warmers. I don't get it, why not wear pants and your legs will stay warm."
"Well, not if you are working out."
"Then wear tights. They look funny."
"Hey, when I was your age I had leg warmers in every colour!"
"Mom, you are scaring me."

Fastolph and Posco were playing their own version of hide and seek:
Fastolph:Scooby-Doo, where are you?
Posco: (voice distant in another room)Rover rere!

Elinor Dashwood blogs on Halloween, and includes practical tips on saint costumes.

... the bottom line in the child's mind is a) dressing up and b) getting candy. Provide those two treats, and they'll be as happy as clams.

Works for me.

In the comments box below, Peony states:

On the other hand, I don't like the attitude of trying to shield ourselves from any taint of the larger culture. It strikes me as being counterproductive -- it deprives us of the chance to evangelize others, and it can set up a false impression to our children and to others that Catholicism = No Fun and Always Being Weird.

I kind of agree with this. I did not for a while, but as I see more and more religious Catholic families losing their children I think there is much truth to this. My philosophy on Halloween is it is so much fun, carving pumpkins, going out on a fall evening,getting candy, and playing dress up. I have read so many conflicting stories about whether or not the origins are pagan, Catholic or whatever, and frankly it makes very little difference to me. For our family in upstate NY, 2003, Halloween is is a fun evening out that does not detract from All Saint's Day, or any religious education because we do not elevate to a status of religious holiday. What ever it may have been to others, is not necessarily what it is now to us. (A sad analogy in the reverse would be how Christmas is a celebration of the Birth of Our Saviour started by Catholics and has been reduced by many to nothing more than blatant consumerism.)

I have also been debating this question with things like home schooling. I keep thinking perhaps I should put the children in school for the very reason Peony stated, but I really do not believe my children will be educated like they can be at home. Nor do I believe I would be as involved in their lives, but just likes passing ships.

I wonder how much different motives for doing the same things affect an over
all outcome? I wish I could look into the future and see what would happen if I make different choices. Whatever the choice, if you take something away that is "normal" or fun, it should be replaced with strong family ties, family quality time and a sense of respecting the children's feelings. No matter what, that should always be the case.

I was wondering this morning if all parents think their children do the most horrible things that other people's children do not do. For example, my four year old is always trying to escape-except of course when I tell him to go outside and play. Do other people's children escape or is it only mine? I have no memory of my brothers trying to escape, and my mother assured me they did. As a matter of fact, I recall a time when my middle brother was 8 (he is now an 18 year old freshman at Cornell), he and my mother got into some fight and she told him to take a walk until he calmed down. He took her advice, walked to Sam Goody to purchase himself a Michael Jackson tape. My parents called the police on him and they found him right away. So other people's kids do escape and actually go further than the backyard.

I was feeling a little better about not having the world's worst kids until I received a phone call from an old acquaintance. I was dozing off due to Posco's reading lesson when my friend called. Everyone who was sitting calmly and sedated started running around, tossing things, grabbing cookies and undressed the baby from the waist down who proceeded to leave a present for me on the floor that was intended to stay in the diaper. All it takes is a 15 minute attempt at an adult phone call and now I feel "done" for the day. Dh will not be home until 9.30, seven hours and counting, Ugh.

I do find the Madison's annoying. Also, have you noticed around 1989, Ariel became quite popular? I guess people like naming their kids after mermaids.

Today, Rosey Posey asked me "Mommy, what kind of name is Beyonce?" All I could do is shrug and say "I don't know Baby, I don't know."

Lately it's been medicinal kisses. No matter how hard the bump, how sharp the pinch, Hambet runs up in perfect confidence for a kiss to make it better. The thing that amazes me is that it works!

I actually wanted to share a story that happened just yesterday where I was amazed in the very same way (I know you were talking about St.Therese, but as soon as this happened I had the need to blog about it). Fastolph came up to me with saddest little face because He was riding his bike and fell. He had minor scrapes on the palms of his hands and on his side.
"Mommy, Mommy, I have a boo boo."
"Oh no!"
"Mommy, can you make it better?"
I gave him little kisses on his scrapes and he skipped away instantly smiling and yelling at his older sister "Rosey Posey, Rosey Posey, Mommy made me all better!"
I felt very warm and gooshy inside.