Parenting and Family Life: November 2003 Archives

here. I am frantically busy today and won't have time to address her objections point by point.

Michelle's first principle seems to be that breastfeeding in itself is an act that, like defecation, "bodily housekeeping," blowing one's nose, and the marital act, should be performed in private.

I believe this premise is incorrect. Breastfeeding is about feeding a baby, and eating is an act that is considered acceptable to perform in public. I wonder if American culture in particular has gotten a little prudish about breastfeeding simply because, with the aggressive marketing of artificial formula, it became so uncommon during the twentieth century. In centuries past, women of means did not breastfeed in public, but they also avoided appearing in public when they were pregnant and even avoided saying the word "pregnant." (For that matter, they avoided the trouble of feeding and caring for their children at all by hiring a wet-nurse.)

My other premise is that mothers who nurse in public should extend courtesy for others around them and make a reasonable effort to keep things under control.

Michelle brings us the news of an amazing new technology called "bottles." I addressed that in a comments box but briefly, some nursing mothers find pumping to be very difficult, especially for an occasional outing. With bottles, you have to buy them, clean them, sanitize them, fill them, bring enough with you, make sure the milk doesn't spoil, warm them when you get there... a different order of planning altogether than choosing a shirt with nursing openings. If the baby drinks only part of the bottle, the rest of it has to be wasted. And, again, what happens if you do all that and still "get caught"?

Bottles are not only an expense and a hassle, they are not always a workable solution. There is a theory of "nipple confusion" that cautions against using artificial nipples or pacifiers at all for very young babies. Slightly older babies may refuse to take a bottle at all, particularly when Mom is there. If a mother has a very young baby or is going to be out and about for a while, there's also the issue of her breasts getting full.

A mother boarding an airplane got hassled about her bottles of expressed breastmilk and was forced by a TSA official to drink some to prove it wasn't some dangerous substance. All that to avoid getting hassled over nursing her baby on the airplane, when she could have just excused herself, turned away, latched on the baby, and provided the baby with fresh clean nourishment (and instant relief from the ear pain caused by pressure changes.)

Michelle notes that the Holy Father describes breastfeeding as "an individual and private act." (emphasis on "private" is hers.) Private doesn't necessarily mean "hidden from the public eye"; the context of the paragraph seems to indicate private in the sense of an individual or family action, as opposed to a big social movement, so that reflecting on the actions and needs of a single nursing mother can lead us to consideration of large societal trends.

"Think of the children!" Answering awkward questions is part of parenthood. If another little child asks, "what is that lady doing?" and the other parent doesn't want to get into it (even with a straighforward answer such as "she's feeding her little baby") how about "she's taking care of her baby"? Should anyone who might prompt an awkward question stay home? Then all people who are pregnant, remarkably fat, disabled, extremely tall, extremely short, speak languages other than English, or wear clothing that's the least bit out of the ordinary should all stay home.

Again, my own experience is that most nursing mothers prefer to seek out a secluded place, but secluded places are not always available.

My father-in-law died when Hambet was three months old. We got an urgent call at six-thirty pm, urging us to hurry to Pennsylvania, as it would be unlikely he'd live through the night. I threw some clothes in a suitcase and we were on the road in an hour. For a week we lived out of a hotel room. I was spending most of the day in the public eye. Was I to pump bottles for eight to twelve hours' worth of feeding a day (plus keeping them cool, and washing and sanitizing the bottles and the pump at night in the hotel room sink?) Was I to stay home and send my husband off for a week?

How about moms who are on vacation?

Hambet was sitting on my lap while I was surfing, and perked up when he saw the picture of Saint Anthony over at Caritate Dei.

Peony: Do you know Who that Baby is?
Hambet: Baby Jesus ("Baaaaaaaaaby JEEEEEEEsus!")
Peony: Right! That's Baby Jesus! and that's Saint Anthony holding Him.
Hambet: (furrows brow, getting upset, angrily addresses monitor:) No no no! Saint Anfony, needs give Baby Jesus back to Mary!

Michelle wonders "....why anyone would need to breastfeed in a public restaurant anyway. Certainly doing so is going to hinder your own eating, which is the point of restaurants. Couldn't you feed the baby before going out to forage in fast-food establishments for your own nourishment?"

This is where many people get confused, nursing is not entirely about nutrition. Nutrition is definately one of the side effects of nursing, but nursing is about bonding and comfort too. Children do not nurse the same way they bottle feed, they nurse and stop, nurse and stop. I often think that once a baby leaves the womb, there is still a long process of the child separating themselves from their mother physically because babies really do not seem to understand right away that they are separate people. Nursing and weaning are a part of that process. People often confuse the two-bottle feeding and nursing while bottle feeding really is a horse of an entirely different colour. It is entirely about nutrition. I think if you never had children or are not in a profession such as a lactation consultant, this is not entirely obvious.

As for going out and being able to put the baby down while you eat-BWAHAHAHA!!!! Good luck! On the other hand I am quite adept at pretending to be an octupus. I amazed ladies at Weight Watchers with my ability to hold Gorbulas on my hip, and put on my high heel zip up boots with one hand and balancing on one foot. Nursing while eating is small potatoes.

Lastly, if you have ever tried to not nurse a baby or toddler who wanted to be nursed, this would cause a much bigger disturbance and commotion than nursing a child in public ever will. If a baby is colicky and screams all the time, a breast maybe the only way to soothe the child. Let's not even talk about stubborn toddlers. Of course, does Mom really need to go to a restaurant once in a while she still has a nursling? Kyeah! Stressed out Mommies are not a pretty sight.

I allude, of course, to Burger King's new corporate policy, which states clearly that mothers who nurse their babies at BK will not be harassed, and that other diners who claim to be offended by the sight of a baby being nourished by the means designed by God will be invited to sit in another spot in the restaurant.

The policy was announced after an incident in a Utah BK on November 8, in which a mother nursing her baby was asked to either nurse in the restroom or leave the restaurant. In giving her that choice, the manager of the restaurant was breaking Utah law, which states a business "may not prohibit a woman's breast-feeding in any location where she otherwise may rightfully be, irrespective of whether the breast is uncovered during or incidental to the breast-feeding." (Nineteen other states have similar laws.)

But it seems like many people think BK made the wrong decision. I first heard about the policy over the weekend, when a local talk show host desperate for some calls was braying "so does this mean she can WHIP IT OUT whenver she wants?" The phrase "WHIP IT OUT" makes me see red, so I changed the channel before I drove the car off the road.

Now I see that Michelle has picked up the topic and reiterates her lack of sympathy for nursing in public (much more politely, of course, than the talk show host.)

Let me first issue my standard disclaimer: Babies have a right to be fed. Nursing babies have a right to nurse. Nursing mothers have the right to nurse their babies, including in public. Nursing mothers have the responsibility to make a reasonable effort to avoid overexposure. I don't care what they do in Scandinavia, nobody wants to see (warning!) this. ("Helsekost" means "health food;" this was a public service announcement.)

But really, is that what we're talking about? I wish that people who dislike nursing in public would be more clear what exactly makes them so uncomfortable. Is it mothers who overexpose themselves out of lack of concern for the feelings of others? Then I'm with them on that point; nursing mothers should be polite just like everyone else.

But the vast majority of nursing mothers are not "whipping" anything out, and are not interested in overexposing themselves. In the Burger King case, the mother was nursing her baby under her sweater. With a little practice, most moms can easily use clothing, slings, and blankets to preserve their modesty while nursing a baby. Check out these photos (scroll down to the bottom) from the Elizabeth Lee website to see what I mean (warning, text alludes to sewing, nursing, shopping, bargain-hunting, and other estrogen-soaked topics.) Are these mothers really invading anyone else's visual privacy? When I talk about nursing a baby in public, that's what I mean.

Is the sight of a woman nursing a baby offensive, even if nothing's showing? Is the mere fact that a breast is in use offensive? Is a nursing mother supposed to just stay home all the time, then, in case the baby might get hungry while she's out and can't find a place to hide?

Michelle wonders "....why anyone would need to breastfeed in a public restaurant anyway. Certainly doing so is going to hinder your own eating, which is the point of restaurants. Couldn't you feed the baby before going out to forage in fast-food establishments for your own nourishment?"

Why would one need to breastfeed in a restaurant? Perhaps because the baby is hungry? Nursing hindering your own eating? Welcome to motherhood! (although one of the nice things about nursing is that, if the baby cooperates, you can feed the baby and still have a free hand to eat, type, manage other children, etc) As for pre-feeding, that's not always an option -- you can't force a nursing baby to eat when he's not hungry. Or you could feed the baby before you go in the restaurant, but find that he's still hungry or thirsty once you get inside.

Let's say you're a mom with a nursling and a couple of older children. You've been running errands and are still a long drive from home; maybe you're travelling. Your baby fell asleep in the car, and your older children fed in a hurry because they're hungry and crabby (and come to think of it, you're getting hungry too.) So you feed the older kids, get a bite to eat yourself, and turn the older ones loose to burn off some energy in the ball pit. By now, the baby's waking up from his car-induced slumber and is ready to eat. What do you do? Let the baby scream in hunger while you round up the disappointed siblings, stuff their feet into their shoes and their arms into their coats, and drag them out to the cold car where they just sit there while you feed the baby, twisting yourself behind the steering wheel? Or turn your back to the restaurant, get the baby started, arrange your sweater so nothing's showing, and feed the baby while the other kids play?

I suspect most nursing mothers prefer to find as private a place as possible to nurse, both to avoid attracting unwanted attention ("eeew, that's gross, can't you go sit on the john, tie up the stall for fifteen minutes, and feed your baby there?") and to get a little rest and quiet themselves. But it's not always easy to find a nice, private place. Nordstrom's and IKEA are the only stores I can think of that have mother's rooms. And then what if there are other people with you? Maybe you'd like spend your time out with them, to enjoy that nice dinner with your husband at the table you're paying good money to sit at.

This is a life issue. Pope Pius XII stated that "it is more desirable that the mother should feed her child at her own breast", and Pope John Paul II has also warmly encouraged breastfeeding, noting that nursing mothers need "support." How do we show support to nursing mothers by chasing them out of public places when they try to feed their babies? One of the reasons women don't breast-feed is that they think they'll be tied down at home all the time. They hear people moaning about how unreasonable BK is being, and think they're going to be harassed if they go out to run their errands or get some lunch and find that they need to nurse their baby. It contributes to the idea that babies are troublesome and unwelcome, and that motherhood is drudgery and an end to normal life.

Michelle notes that BK's new policy states that if a customer complains about a breastfeeding mother, the complaining customer is to be offered another place to eat in the restaurant. Michelle's comment: "Ah, the old "If you don't like it, it's your problem" argument. How enlightened and mature; the perfect example for young children."

So instead, BK should offer that same argument ("If you don't like nursing in the john or leaving the restaurant, that's your problem") to a mother who wants to feed her baby?

Pope John Paul II again:

"Even this brief reflection on the very individual and private act of a mother feeding her infant can lead us to a deep and far-ranging critical rethinking of certain social and economic presuppositions, the negative human and moral consequences of which are becoming more and more difficult to ignore. Certainly, a radical re-examination of many aspects of prevailing socio-economic patterns of work, economic competitiveness and lack of attention to the needs of the family is urgently necessary."

We live on a busy street, so I have taken to asking my Guardian Angel for help getting out of my driveway, particularly if I want to go left.

Today when Hambet and I were out driving around, I heard on the radio that the Massachussets Supreme Court decision would be announced today, so I said the St Michael prayer. I was delighted to hear Hambet pipe up from the back seat, "Gua'dian Angel, hewp us! Mehwy, hewp! Aaaaa-men!"

My little heathen won't stay put in church and won't let me teach him the Sign of the Cross, so I'm glad something's sinking in. Thanks for indulging me in this proud mommy moment.

They are running around outside with ski masks, gloves and their coats on but wide open and unzippered.

Posco(8) and Fastolph (4) were in the backyard raking leaves. In the backyard we have a pond and on occasion what looks like herons (I am not an orinthologist, so I am not sure exactly) come to do whatever it is that they do at the pond. I have no idea what it is, but it looks like they stand there and look at the water.

Now, when the rest of us see the herons there we look out the window, ooh and ah and say "oh, look at that pretty big bird". Not Fastolph. He snuck behind the bushes quietly so he could jump out in front of it and make faces at it. I bet the bird had no idea it was involved in some strange prepetual game of tag. With that, the bird (who was the same height as Fastolph) spread it's wings and flew away.

Now here the part I do not understand, what on earth would perpetuate Fastolph to jump in front of a bird the size of him and make faces at it? That would be the farthest thing from my mind.